Now Entering the Kingdom of Self

I am sitting in my living room after a week of seclusion. I took time away from twitter, friends, clients, running, my family, people in general. I have had nothing left to give. I usually make contact with clients who text or email me non-emergency questions during the week just to let them know that I care for them, that they are on my radar screen, but even this was difficult. It seemed that lots of success lately has made it very difficult for me.....which is a strange thought. I have been training for a marathon in December, my practice has grown and things have been going well...so why am I so drained?

We rule our own hearts. Simple thought but complex as to how it plays out in our lives. Few of us allow unfettered access into the deeper places within us, but that is what God has designed us for. Deep connection. But this is far too disturbing. God would ask that we not protect our hearts from the things that happen. Now, let me clarify, He would ask that we not protect our hearts from what happens, this is different than allowing anything into our lives. The distinction is that we control what affects us by denying the reality of how events affect us. I'm suggesting that if someone hurts you in someway, most of us will "stuff it", deny it, or act like it never hurt us. But this isn't living in Truth, hurtful things hurt and God would want this to be true when it happens to us. And God is certainly asking us to allow Him to transform and work in our hearts all the time. We reject this because we still want to rule our own hearts apart from the King.

But, why am I so drained while things are going well? I'm in control of my heart. I didn't cause the growth in my practice, I can't. My field is based so heavily in referrals that much of a counselor's growth is up to God. He brings me clients not me. Bad events or good events all point to the one thing that all of us are afraid to admit, we can't make it happen. When my practice grows and it has nothing to do with me it reminds me that I'm at His mercy. When we lose our baby and there was nothing we could do, it reminds me that I'm at His mercy. I would much rather control my own heart without waiting on my King to show up in the good or the bad. If I rule I get to make rules, what comes in, what goes out. God never designed our hearts this way. We all live in some sort of spiritual dissociation where we decide what has happened to us and what is true, what is to be forgotten and what is painful or not. But if we do this in the hard times how do you stop doing that in the good times, a filter is a filter not easily taken off.

Let me clarify one more time. In my heart, if I'm king, I would choose to grow my practice in a way that I knew I would always be successful. God isn't interested in this. God being King makes Him interested in me showing up and caring for clients. His prosperity isn't about money, its about what happens inside of me that changes me into what He wants me to be. If I'm king I show up with clients that are easy with easy presenting problems. If I'm king I choose people needing advice about what cat to buy or how to make a good queso-dip. Since He is King I am given wounded people who need to understand what it means to be Loved, to see that others are willing to pursue their hearts, that they have value and that someone is willing to bleed for them. Its like the realization that people have when they finally understand that their marriage isn't about their happiness but more about learning how to Love their spouse without regard to themselves. It turns from blessing to a place where even in the good times we MUST LOOK TOWARDS HIM or we will hopelessly fail at it.

We are either okay with God moving in our lives either way, good or bad, or we are not. We can't have it one way and then another, we love it when He moves and hate it when He moves in hard ways, the position of our hearts simply doesn't allow this. When He moves He moves, when He acts who can reverse it? We are ultimately at His mercy. Success calls us to look towards Him if we are honest, if we look at it Biblically. Look at the story of Job, success isn't a right, it is something He gives. So if you find yourself where I am, drained and tired after really great things happening, just remember that this might be a sign pointing to something in your heart. "Now Entering the Kingdom of Self" and under this might be something in your heart that asks "Do I have what it takes, and if not will He take it away".