Loving Kids Well
by
Mike Hamilton
I talk about loving others well in my office all the time. In fact I think helping others learn how to do this for themselves and others trumps any counseling theory out there. Period. The odd thing is, most people confuse this concept as an adult to adult issue. I love my friends well, I love my wife or husband well, I love my parents who hurt me well, I love people in my church well….but it doesn't seem people ever wonder how to love their children well. And that is the most important thing we can do as parents.
As I sit and write this blog my two children have come down stairs about 10 times. It is now 9:55 PM on a Monday. Yes, I know this is terrible and they should be punished, taught how to obey, we need to get them to sleep so they can grow, so they can learn, so they can repair their brains and so on. The list goes on and on. But honestly nipping this in the bud usually comes out being behavior modification more than loving and teaching. It is rare that my kids come down stairs, much less 10 times….And when it does I embrace it as a way to show them I'm glad to see them, that I enjoy getting to interact with them, that I want every moment with them I can get and if somehow they have gotten to a stage or a day or a week where they need to do this…so be it. What they experience when they come down those stairs is what matters. Connectedness, joy, love, acceptance, safety, value. I could yell and threaten to punish them if they get up again (which at times as I am human this is what I resort to)….but I'm not sure they accomplishes the most important thing we do as parents. Love them well.
You see, if you start with children in an environment of raising them in a safe household, where they hold value and worth, where they know they are loved…often these moments of "disobedience" are more about expanding their world in a safe place. You would likely not see a child brought up in a home full of violence even dare get out of bed to use the bathroom much less just to see if they could "get away with it" with a smile on their face. When they are 19 these few months of a few times a month of getting out of bed is not going to make them a car thief, a drug addict or an unsuccessful person. When they are 19, if I handle these moments with rage, anger or contempt….that might precisely be what happens. Drug addictions, brushes with the justice system and adult traumatic environments are linked to childhood trauma, including physical, sexual or emotional abuses, expressions of rage and a demand of obedience with the absence of love or compassion. And if they don't end up there? You will see relational dysfunctions with friends and dating partners, spouses etc. You end up getting children who obey but harden their hearts to want to be seen, known, enjoyed, celebrated, wanted, loved and safe. They become hardened little adults who are looking to obey until they get enough autonomy to show you that you didn't have the power you thought you had.
How do I love my kids well? I find every moment I can to tell them how important they are, how safe they are and how much I love them, I find moments throughout the day to be tender with them.
I do this with words…"I am so glad I get to see you today", "I'm so glad you are my son", "I enjoy getting to play with you".
I do this with actions…hugging them, kissing them, holding them, sitting with them, playing with them, spending time with them, caring for them physically, emotionally, spiritually.
I do this with connection…I look them in the eyes each time I talk with them, any time i hold them I look them in the eyes, we touch noses, we rub cheeks, I touch their face with my hand and I allow them to do the same to me.
I do this by making their world safe…this goes for boundaries for them, both physical and emotional, I provide safety from the world to the extent that I can, I tell them that there could never be one thing they could tell me that would make me want to leave them, to not love them, to feel that they are bad or distasteful, I also set up rules for them to follow.
I do this by telling the truth…no child should wonder what reality is, we are to help them know it, we are not to be manipulative or self preserving in our interactions with them as that creates a necessity to create our own favorable reality. I tell my kids the truth (to the level that is appropriate for their age) so they are never confused as to where they stand in the world, with me and within our family.
God is a God of Truth, of Safety, of Compassion, of Rules, of Connectedness, of Words, of Tenderness…of Love. Loving my kids well isn't about waiting for them to screw up so I can show them they need to do better. Loving my kids well isn't about yelling when they get up 10 times at night. Loving my kids well isn't about making them behave well or making them be happy kids. A well behaved happy kid will turn into an adult that sits in my office for 4 years trying to make sense as to why they hurt so bad inside and their life doesn't work so well. I want to love my kids in a way that tells them how to love others well, love them in a way that makes them thirsty for more good and less bad….so that they might in the future move more towards the good than the bad. I want them to feel it and know it and never question they are exactly what they are, valuable and worthy humans who deserve to be loved, known, protected, nurtured and enjoyed. And in turn I hope they learn how to do that back, to give that love they have received back to me, back to their sibling, their mother, their friends, their future spouse and kids. Loving others well is the one pyramid scheme worth buying into, love them so they will love theirs.
So, if my children come down an 11th time, now that it is 10:30, I will take a different approach, but it will be just as loving as the others. I'm glad to see you, give me a hug, I want to kiss your head, come sit with me a moment, now go back and do not do this again. See you soon, proud of you….glad to be your daddy. Most times this works on the first, if there is even a first….it works most days when toys are more important than brothers, it works when boys are tired, hungry or grumpy. And the best part is, when I can't do this and I blow it….guess what I get back? They love me well in return. Its a vicious cycle this whole love thing…..
I do this with words…"I am so glad I get to see you today", "I'm so glad you are my son", "I enjoy getting to play with you".
I do this with actions…hugging them, kissing them, holding them, sitting with them, playing with them, spending time with them, caring for them physically, emotionally, spiritually.
I do this with connection…I look them in the eyes each time I talk with them, any time i hold them I look them in the eyes, we touch noses, we rub cheeks, I touch their face with my hand and I allow them to do the same to me.
I do this by making their world safe…this goes for boundaries for them, both physical and emotional, I provide safety from the world to the extent that I can, I tell them that there could never be one thing they could tell me that would make me want to leave them, to not love them, to feel that they are bad or distasteful, I also set up rules for them to follow.
I do this by telling the truth…no child should wonder what reality is, we are to help them know it, we are not to be manipulative or self preserving in our interactions with them as that creates a necessity to create our own favorable reality. I tell my kids the truth (to the level that is appropriate for their age) so they are never confused as to where they stand in the world, with me and within our family.
God is a God of Truth, of Safety, of Compassion, of Rules, of Connectedness, of Words, of Tenderness…of Love. Loving my kids well isn't about waiting for them to screw up so I can show them they need to do better. Loving my kids well isn't about yelling when they get up 10 times at night. Loving my kids well isn't about making them behave well or making them be happy kids. A well behaved happy kid will turn into an adult that sits in my office for 4 years trying to make sense as to why they hurt so bad inside and their life doesn't work so well. I want to love my kids in a way that tells them how to love others well, love them in a way that makes them thirsty for more good and less bad….so that they might in the future move more towards the good than the bad. I want them to feel it and know it and never question they are exactly what they are, valuable and worthy humans who deserve to be loved, known, protected, nurtured and enjoyed. And in turn I hope they learn how to do that back, to give that love they have received back to me, back to their sibling, their mother, their friends, their future spouse and kids. Loving others well is the one pyramid scheme worth buying into, love them so they will love theirs.
So, if my children come down an 11th time, now that it is 10:30, I will take a different approach, but it will be just as loving as the others. I'm glad to see you, give me a hug, I want to kiss your head, come sit with me a moment, now go back and do not do this again. See you soon, proud of you….glad to be your daddy. Most times this works on the first, if there is even a first….it works most days when toys are more important than brothers, it works when boys are tired, hungry or grumpy. And the best part is, when I can't do this and I blow it….guess what I get back? They love me well in return. Its a vicious cycle this whole love thing…..
No comments:
Post a Comment