Now Entering the Kingdom of Self

I am sitting in my living room after a week of seclusion. I took time away from twitter, friends, clients, running, my family, people in general. I have had nothing left to give. I usually make contact with clients who text or email me non-emergency questions during the week just to let them know that I care for them, that they are on my radar screen, but even this was difficult. It seemed that lots of success lately has made it very difficult for me.....which is a strange thought. I have been training for a marathon in December, my practice has grown and things have been going well...so why am I so drained?

We rule our own hearts. Simple thought but complex as to how it plays out in our lives. Few of us allow unfettered access into the deeper places within us, but that is what God has designed us for. Deep connection. But this is far too disturbing. God would ask that we not protect our hearts from the things that happen. Now, let me clarify, He would ask that we not protect our hearts from what happens, this is different than allowing anything into our lives. The distinction is that we control what affects us by denying the reality of how events affect us. I'm suggesting that if someone hurts you in someway, most of us will "stuff it", deny it, or act like it never hurt us. But this isn't living in Truth, hurtful things hurt and God would want this to be true when it happens to us. And God is certainly asking us to allow Him to transform and work in our hearts all the time. We reject this because we still want to rule our own hearts apart from the King.

But, why am I so drained while things are going well? I'm in control of my heart. I didn't cause the growth in my practice, I can't. My field is based so heavily in referrals that much of a counselor's growth is up to God. He brings me clients not me. Bad events or good events all point to the one thing that all of us are afraid to admit, we can't make it happen. When my practice grows and it has nothing to do with me it reminds me that I'm at His mercy. When we lose our baby and there was nothing we could do, it reminds me that I'm at His mercy. I would much rather control my own heart without waiting on my King to show up in the good or the bad. If I rule I get to make rules, what comes in, what goes out. God never designed our hearts this way. We all live in some sort of spiritual dissociation where we decide what has happened to us and what is true, what is to be forgotten and what is painful or not. But if we do this in the hard times how do you stop doing that in the good times, a filter is a filter not easily taken off.

Let me clarify one more time. In my heart, if I'm king, I would choose to grow my practice in a way that I knew I would always be successful. God isn't interested in this. God being King makes Him interested in me showing up and caring for clients. His prosperity isn't about money, its about what happens inside of me that changes me into what He wants me to be. If I'm king I show up with clients that are easy with easy presenting problems. If I'm king I choose people needing advice about what cat to buy or how to make a good queso-dip. Since He is King I am given wounded people who need to understand what it means to be Loved, to see that others are willing to pursue their hearts, that they have value and that someone is willing to bleed for them. Its like the realization that people have when they finally understand that their marriage isn't about their happiness but more about learning how to Love their spouse without regard to themselves. It turns from blessing to a place where even in the good times we MUST LOOK TOWARDS HIM or we will hopelessly fail at it.

We are either okay with God moving in our lives either way, good or bad, or we are not. We can't have it one way and then another, we love it when He moves and hate it when He moves in hard ways, the position of our hearts simply doesn't allow this. When He moves He moves, when He acts who can reverse it? We are ultimately at His mercy. Success calls us to look towards Him if we are honest, if we look at it Biblically. Look at the story of Job, success isn't a right, it is something He gives. So if you find yourself where I am, drained and tired after really great things happening, just remember that this might be a sign pointing to something in your heart. "Now Entering the Kingdom of Self" and under this might be something in your heart that asks "Do I have what it takes, and if not will He take it away".

Serving without PASSION or Passion without serving

I keep showing up at White Rock Lake in Dallas early on Saturday mornings. I do this to jog my long runs as I train for my marathon. In Texas its a good idea to begin a long jog before the sun comes up because of the heat. Early means 5:45 or 6:00 am. It seems I can't leave the house until 6:00. I think its my laziness, or maybe its that my wife is soft and warm and my pillows are fluffy. I tend to show up at the lake after normal people who are training for a marathon (if there is in fact a normal person training for a marathon) are finished. I show up apparently when every model, trainer, professional athlete, and pretty person with a six pack (and not the good kind but the stomach kind) has shown up to run around the lake. It strangely seems that I am the most unattractive and most un-athletic person out there.

These people, if you can call them people, run at sub 7 minute miles, whole blobs of them, huge groups of super jogging people whose bodies look like they purchased them out of a magazine. Sub 7 minute miles, over long distances, more than 10 miles. When I first went out there I tried to keep up with them and learned quickly this will never happen. It looks like we are doing the same thing but really, i mean really, we are not. Its obvious to me that even though our stride looks similar and our pace looks similar, they are doing something I can't, but it looks the same. Well, the mechanics look the same anyway. I plod along at my 9:30 second pace over the 10 miles and come in sweating and woozy. Woozy isn't in their vocabulary. I carry water on a belt and carbohydrate goo to keep me going, I think many of them could do this whole thing while smoking and eating a turkey sandwhich. It just doesn't seem fair.

So where am I going with this? Its not about my average looks and my average jogging ability. Its about people who are passionate about things being able to live that out. If these passionate runners want to run a marathon in less than 3 hours, man they should be encouraged to do so. Why would I tell them (if I could) they should really walk instead? Or that I should tell them to stop running and pick up leaves? Should I ask them to ride skate boards instead? Are you still reading? I'm surprised, but I'm getting there quickly. Why then do churches put such constraints on the people who are in their congregation? Often churches preach about service but really just want people to greet new members in the parking lot or serve in children's classes. Great, if that is what you want to do, or if that is what you do in connection with other things you are passionate about. But, this isn't the case, often the passion you have to serve is squelched.

There are current churches who have this stigma, if you aren't a seminary student or graduate then you can't teach. You certainly can't lead marriage, men's or women's retreats, nor can you teach on Sunday. But, if I were so inclined, I could greet people at the door. I could setup tables during special events. I could even, hold your breath, clean up after Wednesday dinner. Look, I'm not suggesting that I won't and shouldn't be asked to do these things, but to be given these in exclusivity of my giftings? I think there is a control freak mentality that doesn't smell like the gospel to me. It doesn't look like Jesus. Peter was a DISASTER, but Jesus continually moved into his life and asked him to do things. Churches need to wake up, encourage their members to find something they are passionate about and partner with them. This is why our churches ARE DYING! We are choking our congregations to death, many of us sit in the pews slightly more aroused than passed out every Sunday. Wake up churches, your pews are full of people who are brilliantly moved to do brilliant things in the name of God.

I know a woman on twitter who has an amazing story of physical loss and a story of how God moved into that to give her a different view of life. She HAS A STORY to tell and it is full of hope! I asked her what she does to serve at church (thinking it is a forgone conclusion) and she floored me when she said "My church never lets me serve in ways I want, I've been told I can teach a ladies small group, but never in ways I would love to serve." Really?!?!?! Why? Who says that she needs to serve in some small group with some prescribed book with a prescribed set of questions with a prescribed outcome of answers? Why is this her church fate? She has a story to tell, one of depth, suffering, loss, pain, and REDEMPTION! So the very community that is to help her live out what God has for her chokes the spiritual life right out of her. Let her run a marathon in under 3 hours (spiritually speaking)! God might ACTUALLY begin to move in your churches if you do!