Serving without PASSION or Passion without serving

I keep showing up at White Rock Lake in Dallas early on Saturday mornings. I do this to jog my long runs as I train for my marathon. In Texas its a good idea to begin a long jog before the sun comes up because of the heat. Early means 5:45 or 6:00 am. It seems I can't leave the house until 6:00. I think its my laziness, or maybe its that my wife is soft and warm and my pillows are fluffy. I tend to show up at the lake after normal people who are training for a marathon (if there is in fact a normal person training for a marathon) are finished. I show up apparently when every model, trainer, professional athlete, and pretty person with a six pack (and not the good kind but the stomach kind) has shown up to run around the lake. It strangely seems that I am the most unattractive and most un-athletic person out there.

These people, if you can call them people, run at sub 7 minute miles, whole blobs of them, huge groups of super jogging people whose bodies look like they purchased them out of a magazine. Sub 7 minute miles, over long distances, more than 10 miles. When I first went out there I tried to keep up with them and learned quickly this will never happen. It looks like we are doing the same thing but really, i mean really, we are not. Its obvious to me that even though our stride looks similar and our pace looks similar, they are doing something I can't, but it looks the same. Well, the mechanics look the same anyway. I plod along at my 9:30 second pace over the 10 miles and come in sweating and woozy. Woozy isn't in their vocabulary. I carry water on a belt and carbohydrate goo to keep me going, I think many of them could do this whole thing while smoking and eating a turkey sandwhich. It just doesn't seem fair.

So where am I going with this? Its not about my average looks and my average jogging ability. Its about people who are passionate about things being able to live that out. If these passionate runners want to run a marathon in less than 3 hours, man they should be encouraged to do so. Why would I tell them (if I could) they should really walk instead? Or that I should tell them to stop running and pick up leaves? Should I ask them to ride skate boards instead? Are you still reading? I'm surprised, but I'm getting there quickly. Why then do churches put such constraints on the people who are in their congregation? Often churches preach about service but really just want people to greet new members in the parking lot or serve in children's classes. Great, if that is what you want to do, or if that is what you do in connection with other things you are passionate about. But, this isn't the case, often the passion you have to serve is squelched.

There are current churches who have this stigma, if you aren't a seminary student or graduate then you can't teach. You certainly can't lead marriage, men's or women's retreats, nor can you teach on Sunday. But, if I were so inclined, I could greet people at the door. I could setup tables during special events. I could even, hold your breath, clean up after Wednesday dinner. Look, I'm not suggesting that I won't and shouldn't be asked to do these things, but to be given these in exclusivity of my giftings? I think there is a control freak mentality that doesn't smell like the gospel to me. It doesn't look like Jesus. Peter was a DISASTER, but Jesus continually moved into his life and asked him to do things. Churches need to wake up, encourage their members to find something they are passionate about and partner with them. This is why our churches ARE DYING! We are choking our congregations to death, many of us sit in the pews slightly more aroused than passed out every Sunday. Wake up churches, your pews are full of people who are brilliantly moved to do brilliant things in the name of God.

I know a woman on twitter who has an amazing story of physical loss and a story of how God moved into that to give her a different view of life. She HAS A STORY to tell and it is full of hope! I asked her what she does to serve at church (thinking it is a forgone conclusion) and she floored me when she said "My church never lets me serve in ways I want, I've been told I can teach a ladies small group, but never in ways I would love to serve." Really?!?!?! Why? Who says that she needs to serve in some small group with some prescribed book with a prescribed set of questions with a prescribed outcome of answers? Why is this her church fate? She has a story to tell, one of depth, suffering, loss, pain, and REDEMPTION! So the very community that is to help her live out what God has for her chokes the spiritual life right out of her. Let her run a marathon in under 3 hours (spiritually speaking)! God might ACTUALLY begin to move in your churches if you do!

Healing through pain

Hosea 6:1 "He (God) has TORN US so that He may HEAL us."

Our lives are tantamount to one big movement away from pain. Don't believe me? Look at the endless offices dedicated to addiction, AA, NA, CA, drug programs, alcohol program, sexual addiction programs. We have a group here in Dallas called 4th Dimension. 4th Dimension allows anyone addicted to anything to show up and work the 12 steps. I have been told that people show up who are addicted to Carmex. I'm serious. Our movement away from pain however doesn't have to be so outlandish as drug use. Pornography, shopping, TV, working a lot of hours, sports, golf, or just lots of time spent away from people or community, all ways to reduce or numb out pain.

As children we all received wounds, this is true. We were defenseless children who were born into a world that was depraved and twisted. Wounds were inevitable, no matter how amazing our childhood looked. We chose very early on to not allow what wounded us to matter, and in some extreme cases not to exist at all. We have chosen to live out lives in reaction to our woundedness. A man who felt small and powerless all his life will likely become an angry and powerful person. A woman who had no voice might become an over-bearing, powerful woman who profusely spouts her opinions. A little child who was exposed to sexual trauma might make that trauma their treasure and live in promiscuity to prove the original trauma "never hurt". Our movement is seemingly always towards life in our minds, but often times it is actually towards death. A perfect example, a heroine addict will swear the drug feels like life to them, but is actually leading them to death. This happens on many levels in our own lives and hearts. We see things "upside-down". Our vision has been twisted by depravity.

So, what is a God to do with a people who have fully committed to not allowing wounds to affect them? Especially when those wounds have caused all of us to run in a direction in opposition to those wounds? This is not freedom and God is a God of freedom.

About two years ago I had gone into my back gate to get a water hose and unbeknownst to me, a whole gaggle of very large red wasps were waiting. A gaggle of red demon spawned insects who had apparently chosen my back yard as a quaint little gathering place. Soon after I shut the gate they made my lower, shirtless, stretched taut back a quaint little gathering place for their stingers. I immediately felt this burning, stinging, electrocuted type pain shooting through my back. I shot straight up and blindly began running across the yard, right into our swing set. I get back up from the ground, screaming like a little girl, holding my back and aggressively moving towards my poor 140 pound dog. She was frozen in fear, mulling over, I'm sure, her last few moments of actions to determine what she did wrong. I plow over her, hit the ground again, sprain my ankle.

By now the wasps are back on their little quaint nest, feeding their babies and high-fiving each other for the successful wounding of the intruder, emotionally and physically. My anger towards these demon spawned fiends was so intense that I resolved to kill them for what they had done. Wasp spray in hand I charge back into the yard, stand back the 12 feet the can says it will spray, and let loose with all my fury a petroleum based vengeance on these wasps. Who, unlike the directions stated, did not immediately fall to the ground. They swarmed up and around me and I was stung many times again. At this point I felt like a little kid, a stupid little kid, sitting in the yard tending to my wounds. I was so intent on getting vengeance for the pain I had received that I didn't realize something important. My action of killing these wasps would NOT take away the fact that I had been stung and hurt. In fact, my choice to live in opposition to the wasp sting made it all that much worse, many more stings worse. No one could have convinced me that once stung I should have sat in that place calmly. And certainly I couldn't be convinced not to streak across the yard in pain. And not even God could have convinced me that looking for vengeance and a cessation of pain was a bad idea.

At times in our lives God allows pain to become a part of our story. And if you stop there it seems cruel and pointless. It seems that God is a God who just randomly allows terrible things to happen for no reason. He seems so irrational. But that is not the true God that is in the Bible. All things that happen to us He uses for our good, all things. Wasp stings, bad grades, death of a loved one, losing a job, bad marriage, and so on, can all be used to help you find freedom from wounds you tucked away a long time ago. Wounds you have vowed in your heart to not have affected you, not have hurt you, that evil did not win, but in reality pain may have hurt you. Wounds like sexual abuse, physical abuse, family violence, loss of parents when we were children, cold family lives, and a whole host of other painful realities that might have been a part of our childhood. And this is what God is committed to doing for you, to tear you open so that these past wounds can be true. And why would He do that? So that HE may heal you as in Hosea 6:1. To live a life that constantly looks to deny the pain of our past will in turn make you a prisoner of that past the rest of your life. God is passionate about setting you free, even if He has to allow pain in your life to accomplish it.

Peter, angry sheep feeding disciple

Don't you love Peter in the Bible? A passionate man who ran after Jesus every chance he could, angry, messy, argumentative, Peter was a spiritual disaster, but there is something beautiful about it isn't there? Something in Peter made Jesus move towards him time and time again, arguments and all. The same man Jesus said "Get behind me Satan" (gulp) is the same man Jesus asked to feed His sheep. One of the things about Peter that I am so interested in is the fact that he continued to move towards Jesus even when it ended up being one disaster after another. It never stopped him. Even after the denial, Peter ran after Jesus again, but this time humbled in ways we had not seen before. You see this angry man who followed Jesus for his own agenda (to set up the kingdom at that moment in history) was a passionate man, but not a broken man. Until Peter found brokenness his agenda (justice/power) was more important than Jesus' (loving others with our lives).

In Matthew 26 Peter follows Jesus after His arrest in true Peter fashion, right into the courtyard of the High Priest, where the trial of Jesus would take place. He walked right into the vipers den! I could see Peter sitting there, I would love to think it was in the middle of them all, waiting to see what would happen. It is not until Jesus begins to live out His most painful story that we see Peter begin to question his own ability and desire to be a part of it. In fact, what we see is Peter begins to leave after he is accused of being a disciple. The very point where he could have chosen to be with Jesus in the midst of all that suffering, he chooses to run. He first moves from the courtyard, into a gateway, where he is torn between leaving the story unfolding before him and staying with Jesus.

It is at this place that we all find ourselves today, outside the gateway, looking in. In us, much like in Peter, is a heart that is pulled in two directions at the same time. “I do not want a story where pain and suffering is a part, but at the same time, I am drawn into this very place because deeply I know it is a place of freedom, healing and life.” For most of us, the pain of loss and broken relationships is far too much to endure on our own. So we choose to stand outside of the gateway, denying our real story just as Peter did. Here is the problem, Jesus always shows up later, just as He did for Peter, to ask us to take care of His sheep. He understands that suffering and loss in our stories allows us to "feed His sheep" in ways that calls others to their wounds and ultimately freedom. This is where God lives right? In the Truth of our stories waiting for you to allow Him to be glorified by His plan of redemption in your life. And at this He is gently relentless in His pursuit of our healing and redemption, even if we continue to deny what is true about our hearts.

Allow your story to be true and find Him in it, this will always lead you to pouring into others. To feed His sheep you need to have something to offer them, from deeper places within yourself. You can't lead others to suffering (or sit with them in it) if you haven't been there yourself. Your default will always be to tell them things to take away their pain, but this is not for you to do, but only Him. Accept what is true of your story, find brokenness as Peter did and then you will see that what you have to offer will come from different places in your heart.

Surgery at the ice cream store

I was out at lunch today with my son. A woman sitting in Braum's (an ice cream/burger joint in Texas) said something that I think everyone uses to never change. I remember their conversation fading into mine (mine was a conversation about lights, Nate is quite enamored with them) as I fed ice cream to my son. I remember about the time I was thinking "is this ice-cream too hard for him, is he going to choke?" (I'm a new dad okay...) I heard this woman's voice fading into the foreground of my reality. "You see, you see! Everyone has issues, everyone, see, I told you everyone is screwed up." So, as a counselor I was drawn in, not verbally but stealthily as she began to speak about things that no one should and I began to hear things, sadly true, angering and hopeless things.

You see this woman began to tell her friend "that's why I gave up...its no use, no one can get over their issues, so I give up." Now, there is this part of me, a counseling part, that almost blurted out "Here's my card!" But alas, I was staid by a curiosity as to what exactly was this woman's issues and how are we all the same as her? Now Nate, my 1 year old, sat back in his chair pointing at the lights saying "Ga, Ga" and letting chocolate chip ice cream drip down his chin. I no longer cared about his chin, my duty was no longer about ensuring his aesthetically pleasing appearance, it was about eaves dropping on this woman.

She sat just one table away at this place, where all tables are not wiped down, sticky and crammed in closer than a bunch of hippies in a telephone booth (?what?). "My meds are just getting too expensive and he (the doctor) just keeps marking up my dose, that's all they (docs) do, push medicine." Now I am really intrigued, I am about to be privy to knowledge that I could only attain if I were on this woman's HIPAA forms, and I am not. Her friend looks over her shoulder at me as if to see if I am listening, I quickly glance away and start yammering to Nate about the ice cream. At this point I begin to survey their table, double cheese burgers, a mound (seriously, a REAL mound) of fries and each woman has at her disposal, a banana split. Two on one table, my wife and I usually share one. "He says he won't (this is the poor doc again) be able to get it approved, my surgery, because I haven't "tried everything" (she actually made the little finger parenthesis signs) so I'm arguing with my insurance company."

This is not made up, she was talking about diabetes meds and bariatric surgery. Everything was the doctors fault and the insurance company's fault, no one would approve the surgery, everyone keeps shoving pills in my face. But where is the personal responsibility? Oh, yeah, back at the beginning of the blog---"You see, you see! Everyone has issues, everyone, see, I told you everyone is screwed up." No longer is this woman asked to be responsible as she has bought into the notion that we are all screwed up, all taken advantage of and with that knowledge she lives her life demanding to be taken care of despite her actions, because after all we are all screwed up. No one is able to control their diabetes, no one can control their appetite, no one can control their porn addiction, alcohol use etc.

This mentality is what keeps people stuck in their wounds as well. I hear countless times, "well, my life wasn't as bad as the next guys". Well then who is that poor guy at the end of the line whose life was THE WORST life? Seriously? Where is that line drawn where woundedness and "issues" are bad enough to actually do something about them? We are all called to let our stories be true (God is truth, he wants us to live there too). This means that we are not supposed to allow our issues to remain just because other people have them too. Our issues are invitations from God to see Him move in places that feel hopeless and out of control. Everyone does have issues because we live in a fallen world where everyone has been wounded. And, thankfully, everyone has the invite from our Father to allow Him to meet you in those wounded places...He waits in the messy parts of our hearts, go seek Him there. Surgery, alcohol, sex, porn, etc might not be your answer after-all.

Brokenness

Isaiah 6:5 tells of Isaiah's commission as a prophet. "Woe is me for I am undone..." The literal translation? Destroyed unto ceasing. Sit with that one for a minute. The thought behind this statement is "obliterated" or taken "molecule from molecule". Isaiah experiences absolute brokenness BEFORE God calls him to be a prophet. I once heard a comment that "God can't use a man until He has hurt that man deeply." This sounds harsh but some of the most amazing people I know, that live from deep places in their hearts, all experienced trauma. I talked with a counselor once that told me the thing he offers his clients is his story of having a perfect childhood. He said that he had great parents, a wonderful childhood and that he had never experienced loss or pain before in his life.?.?.? Seriously?

What is he offering his clients? I firmly believe that we are not able to take people to places that we haven't been ourselves. Deep calls to deep. If you haven't found those deep places you will find yourself calling others to be comforted, to be "okay", to "not worry" or just to "pray". These things do not help others who are suffering find Him in the midst of suffering. Moses had a tremendous amount of loss and pain in his story. Hosea, called to love a woman who would leave him for others (plural), loss and pain. Job experienced incredible loss and pain. Paul? There are many, many examples, not to mention Jesus' story. Without suffering we will look for many other things to bring our hearts to rest, other than God. Until I was hurt deeply I was incapable of living from the deep. I ran doggedly after the things that gave me temporary relief and allowed me to take a breath, but these things NEVER brought my heart to rest and certainly did not invite others to Life.

Let me quickly explain "Without suffering we will look for many other things to bring our hearts to rest..." Prayer, reading scripture, going to small groups, church, whiskey, sex, TV, "Jesus", family, food...all things that can be used as a "talisman" to produce in us "rest". If you haven't experienced the suffering in your story (and it is in everyone's story) then you probably offer and demand some of the list above to bring your heart or their heart to rest. But this is a fake rest, denial even. Praying more so that I can be at peace while denying the truth of my suffering, I'm not sure God is going to show up there! Does this make sense to you? Ritualistic things that look "Christian" do not help us FIND HIM in the midst of our suffering, only allowing our stories to be true and then grieving that suffering will allow us to find Him in those deeper places. If I find my son dead in his bed, I do hope that the best that is offered to me isn't "I'll pray for you", this doesn't call to deep. If my wife dies in a car accident, I hope what is offered isn't "Well, she's in Heaven now". These things do not speak to those deeply affected places in our hearts!

Without experiencing brokenness I believe that we are not capable of doing work for Him in the deep. So many stories in the bible are about a man/woman or people being taken beyond their ability to survive and deal with things. This is where all is stripped away and the only answer you have left is "He is with me, He is with me." An unexplainable place becomes your mantra and when others present to you with trauma/loss/pain, you begin to naturally lead them there..."He is with you." But this is not coming from a place to take away anything it is a place to speak what is true IN THE MIDST of the suffering, not a magical phrase to take away suffering! In each of our stories is loss. My friend the counselor, who believes his story was perfect, hasn't looked with open eyes. Our stories all have loss, we live in a depraved world with fallen people and we all started out as defenseless little children. Find the suffering in your story, find the deep, find the brokenness...it will always lead to Him and a way to walk with others that calls them to the same freedom you'll find, grace in your brokenness.

Power over Jesus?

John 19:11 Jesus answered (Pilate) "You would have no power over me if it were not given to you from above. Therefore the one who handed me over to you is guilty of a greater sin."

Here is one of those scripture verses that seem to hide from lots of people. When I read it today I stopped and re-read and re-read and re-read. Power over Jesus. In fact, looking at the second sentence is even more difficult to understand. "The one who handed me over" is talking about Caiaphas, who maliciously tried and handed Jesus over to be crucified. Both of these men had power over Jesus. Think about that one for a moment. Jesus chose to come into this world powerless in the form of a baby. He chose to walk among those who hated Him with only love and truth to offer. And at some point chose to give Himself over to those who would have power over Him.

This is one of the most difficult things that we are all invited to live out. Powerlessness in the face of those who would harm us. As we become more like Christ we are invited to experience things in our lives that would allow us to understand Him more. The loneliness of the Garden of Gethsemane, the betrayal of Judas, the angst of His impending crucifixion, the rejection when the crowd chose a murderer, all invitations for us to understand Him more. But powerlessness is something that most of us fight rabidly against, this like almost nothing else, feels like Death when we experience it. But Jesus walked towards this part of His story knowing that these two men (and crowds of others) would call for His blood and did so to bring life to others.

We are so "rights" oriented, so entitled to what we have, who we are and what we think that we recoil at the thought of allowing others to have a say in our lives, especially when it comes from a place of harm. It happens at work, in our homes, at our churches, people who would take from you without regard to how it affects your life. Most of us feel this internal desire to do one of two things. One direction is to get bigger than the other person, yell louder, be more angry, FIGHT! The other direction is to shrink away with no voice with our head in the sand. Jesus chose something altogether different. He spoke what was true and allowed the actions of others to affect Him deeply. It was a precursor to His cross experience. As He walked those last days Jesus must have felt profoundly alone, felt great amounts of loss and pain, and did it all to bring life to the very people who murdered Him.

The very thing that we think makes us look weak or gets us taken advantage of, is the very thing that none of us can do on our own. It is far too difficult. Remember this the next time you feel powerless and feel the urge to cling onto what is "your right" or "your voice". Allowing what others do to you to affect your heart as you speak truth to them won't make you feel vindicated or powerful. It might feel like death. It may look useless. It might also invite others to what is Life, a powerless life through Jesus.

Earning Trust???

Many couples come to my office with one or both spouses demanding that the other earn back lost trust. And on the outside this seems like an okay request. "Trust" was broken, anyone would want to be reassured that "it" will never happen again right? After-all, if we were to "trust" too soon we would look like a fool right? If we were to tell our friends or family that we put our "trust" back into this person who harmed us, we would look stupid, right? And what if we put our "trust" back in our spouse and they looked at pornography again? Called that man again? Bought things we didn't know about again? What if that happened?

Let me just say that I have never met a person, professionally or otherwise, that has earned back lost trust. It is impossible. Which makes one wonder, is trust in another human possible and if it is, can it really ever be earned back? I don't think trust is something that you can earn but rather something that a person gives you, period. Trust isn't a commodity being traded for something in return, trust is something given away freely. Although this is not true if your definition of trust is about self protection and control. You see, most of us have been wounded and I think our version of trust is little more than a self protective mechanism to keep people under our control. When we are asked to "Trust in Him", I dare say the Bible isn't asking for us to control God and have Him earn it. It isn't about safe, God certainly isn't safe by our standards, trust is about......well, its about what Jesus did when He came as a baby into our dangerous world.

Jesus' whole life was lived among people who were ultimately His enemy. Jesus moved among a people who hated Him and found Him dangerous. In fact, Jesus walked intimately with Judas, sharing His meals, His teachings, His love. All of that for the man who would betray Christ with a kiss. The feeling of betrayal is one of the most painful things a human can go through, which is tied directly to a breach of what we call trust. Jesus positioned Himself in the middle of a story where betrayal was guaranteed. Look at the reactions of Jesus and Peter in the garden, Jesus recieves the kiss, Peter starts hacking away. One recieves the betrayal, one fights against it.

Most of us would think Jesus foolish by the way we treat trust. For us it is a guard against pain. Jesus did it differently, He trusted in a God to be there for Him in the end. Notice God didn't show up for Jesus until AFTER the painful loss He experienced on the cross and at the hands of those who would betray Him. Jesus' Love for them did not stop the betrayal, and neither did God.

We do this to our spouses, our friends and anyone else in our community who would cross our trust. "Prove it to me", knowing full well they can never do this. Ours is a strategy to stay away from pain, Jesus' was to surround Himself with the assurance of it. In a fallen world it is inevitable, but Romans 8:28 says that He will work all things for our good. Problem is we have to give up this illusion of control and self-protection under the guise of "trust". We were called to Love others, self-protection is Anti-Love.

Jesus said to Judas, "Go and do what you must do", knowing the betrayal that was likely to kill Him. Approach relationships as Christ did and "trust" will no longer be a part of your vocabulary. We can't ensure that others will not hurt us, but we can trust that pain in the midst of fallen relationships will cause us to understand Christ more (sanctification). The betrayal Christ experienced is much the same as what we experience in relationships. To be like Christ is to understand that we can't control others or protect ourselves, but we can live out our calling to Love others deeply despite all of this. God likely will show but more than likely AFTER the betrayal. . .this is the only way you can become more like Jesus, to understand Him in His betrayal.