A Parent's Charge

A Parent's Charge

by 

Mike Hamilton

We will blow it as parents.  Please get this through your head if you are a parent.  We...will...blow...it.  And here is a shocker, I think done correctly (haha) blowing it might actually be a great thing to show your children.  Please understand that in this post that I am not speaking of abusive actions by the parents.  I am speaking of parents who don't do parenting well.  If we are humble people who want to live in reality, we must all admit that we fit in that category.  You would not believe how often I have heard my clients tell me "I'm a better dad than my dad" or "I would never parent the way my parents did".  I'm not sure we are on the right track as a parent with this in mind.  I'm not sure that God has placed children into our care for us to be "better parents" or "perfect parents".  Without a doubt I have seen "perfect parents" do enormous damage to their kids and never admit it due to their blinding pride.

It would serve you well to put away these old notions of bettering your parents because your focus begins to be more about that and less about finding and admitting where you have "blown it".  It will be one of the greatest days in my fathering career when I get to sit down with my older children and ask them how I have hurt them.  It will be one of the most bonding, awkward, anxiety producing, intimate moments I will every have with my children.  To hear their words, their hearts, their perception of what I have done to destroy the tender hearts God gave them.  I hope to have no defense, no rebuttal, no walls, that I will be present and open and powerless as I invite them into a deeper relationship with me. The mistakes are piling up already in those "Dad of the year" moments when you are worn down, anxious, tired, mad, hurried, distracted, annoyed.........you know those moments when you are most fallen and human.

My son Ben was potty trained very early (had to compete with his older brother).  One day I took him to a park to throw rocks into the creek and play around in the trails.  As soon as we pulled up Ben told me "Daddy, this is where you were a meany pants".  Ben was about 2 years, 8 months at this point.  I asked him what he meant.  "When I peed in my pants, you yelled at me and wouldn't let me throw rocks" he said.  Ugh.  I had forgotten about that shining moment which had lots of situational excuses tied to it...but honestly, I had just blown it and I never told him that was about me.  The time he was speaking about?  7 months prior.  He was barely older than 2.  I will forward this blog post to his therapist when he enters counseling at age 22.

My response?  I sat him down and grabbed his face turning his eyes directly at mine.  His powerful blue eyes, he has always been able to just stare right back into mine.  I found tears and communicated in a way that an almost 3 year old might understand.  I'm sorry I made you feel bad.  I'm sorry that I was mad.  I'm sorry that I made you think you had to be perfect.  Now, 10 years from now, if we go back to that same park...and if he happens to be able to recall that day, my response will be somewhat different.  "I'm sorry I hurt you, I would love to know what that was like for you, I want to know how I've hurt you.....I hate that I made you feel stupid and powerless and small and hated...when honestly that was about a dad who didn't know how to give Grace and to Love well all the time."

One of the greatest things I can show my children is my willingness to admit failure and to admit when I am wrong.  My screw up with Ben is just one of many.  I have just as many piling up with my son Nate.  And to be honest, I am okay with all of it.  As many times as I blow it I am right there willing to apologize and admit my mistake.  Humbly.  Without walls.  Without rules of engagement.  It is the best thing I can hand them.  Perfect parents destroy their children by making them believe they are "god" and silently demand that they be idolized and pedestaled in an attempt to never have to admit wrong.  This doesn't call any child to grace, love, brokenness, suffering, loss, pain, being known, enjoyed, accepted.  The perfect parent who does "nothing" wrong, the parent who never admits to hurting their children is leading their children to secretly hate themselves, not trust the parent and to shut down their hearts to hide all of the "broken things"every child has inside of themselves.  It is the epitome of selfishness.  Children are sacrificed for the parent to maintain this false illusion that they have never screwed up along the way.  It's more about maintaining appearances rather than allowing everyone to be who they are and protecting that right for their children.

As a Christian I am called to be flawed, to be the murderer I am, to be a broken person in need of a savior now and forever.  If I am not this person in the world no one will be drawn to the God who chose to redeem all of this mess.  If I am not this person in front of my children they will never be drawn to this same God who redeems the mess, but more drawn to an endless dead ended pursuit of being a perfect person.  I don't know if I am a better dad than my dad was but at the end of my life I can proudly say that wasn't my aim.  My children will hopefully feel deeply pursued, known and loved by a man who was willing to be powerless when it comes to falsely protecting his "position" of authority as a dad.  Those same adult children walking into the world as men knowing that this life isn't about being clean, perfect, good, better than the next but to be men who love well...and part of loving well is the ability to humbly admit when we hurt other people.

Speaking Truth

by 

Mike Hamilton

We are called to love others while dying for them.  I should be able to stop the blog right there.  Except just like Satan in the garden, our world has subtly lied to us.  Political Correctness, a form of lying, has lured us into the idea that it is better to tell partial truths and keep everyone happy than it is to speak Truth.  I'm not a Pharisee, I'm not here to tell you that if you lie to your wife and tell her you love her new hair but inside you know it looks terrible that you are a terrible sinner.  And if we can just for a moment or two while I'm speaking about this topic lay aside the idea of sin....or we may become lost.  What I am writing about tonight is the importance of speaking Truth to those who you are called to Love.  Without Truth your offering of "love" is no love at all.  It is the world's substitute for Love which leads to dead things.  Dead relationships, dead intimacy, dead heart movement, even in some ways a dead Gospel.  

Truth is tied more to Love than to the Law of "doing it right because we are supposed to do it right".  I saw a tweet last night that said "If you don't honor your mother or father how will you raise kids who will honor you? #reapwhatyousow.  The man who tweeted this is a well known pastor, but unfortunately he is well known for speaking harsh truth from harsh places leading to harsh reactions.  It might play well for publicity but its never received as a grace filled offering that leads you to be thirsty for a God who would know you and love you.  The tweet he sent suggests something that I'm not sure he can back up biblically, a harsh God who is waiting for you to screw up so He can put it on your head ten fold.  There are so many variables that go into why someone would be in that position that stating it that way is nothing short of irresponsible.  What about abused kids who are now adults?  What about kids who were neglected?  Not loved well?  Children who were treated as a nuisance?  My point is, the next part of the scripture speaks to the parents responsibility to the children...statements such as this are divisive, not grace oriented nor Loving.  

When we are speaking Truth into people's lives we have to be willing to be powerless in the midst of doing so.  Yes, POWERLESS.  We seem to be able to lovingly tell a lie or very boldly and harshly speak "truth", but no one seems to be able to speak Truth without bucking up for it.  If Truth does not come from a tender loving place from within your heart, it is better left unsaid.  (mind you we are talking deep hard topics that are a part of a healthy intimate relationship, not "your dress is pretty").  Truth spoken out of Love often leaves the speaker feeling weak, fearing rejection or retaliation.  And the loving thing to do in response to those feelings?  Lay down your swords, pull of your armor....allow that person to do what they may.  As a counselor I have the very odd job of having to love my clients well in ways that not only disturb their wounded hearts but also disturbs them in ways that may make them want to leave.  Spoken Truths do not often set well with people who want to remain in control of their hearts and lives for their own gain.  

We are all called to do this and trust me it can feel awful, it can actually feel more like Death than a dead relationship or dead intimacy.  It is an active, vulnerable place where you are exchanging everything good for an unknown response from the receiver.  But this much you can count on, I have never spoken hard things into a person's life and heart from a loving place and regretted it.  It almost always leads to tears, connection, brokenness, safety, heart movement.  Most people hedge their bets on safe interactions that rob them of life and purpose, settling into a life of existence....disrupting this life strategy is courageous, disruption through lovingly telling someone what is real.  It almost never feels like Life when we begin to enter those waters with someone we care for but I have never entered and not found Life there.  It is worth it, the people you love are worth it.....even if it is messy and scary and dark....you will find Him there, even if the people you are speaking to do not follow.  

Marriage

Marriage

by

Mike Hamilton

When I do premarital or marital counseling I always start with one easy question, "Help me list the reasons you are getting or are married".  The list is always the same with some small variation as to the order of the answers.  Love, God, wanted children, financial security, buy a home, travel, we love the same things, want to do ministry, we have fun, we get a long well, our families liked our spouse.  This is almost always the list.  Maybe God is first and Love is second, but to some degree I could almost have this pre-written on my white board.  Some pre-marital couples list off, in addition to these, how much scripture of marriage they've studied, reasons why they are going to make it in marriage etc.  By the third or fourth answer I get a smile creeping across my face and they begin to realize they have willingly entered into a trap.  My problem with this list?  This isn't even remotely God's list for marriage.  

God has many purposes for marriage but one of the greatest is that our marriage is an example of the marriage between Christ and His church (His bride).  God's list is far deeper than ours and costs more than both of the spouses have in their account.  When we say "I do" we are signing the deed on a house that costs 5.5 million dollars and payment is due after the honeymoon.  Marriage is this big and it calls on resources that are not in us and certainly not at our disposal.  Look at the Cross for a moment, what Jesus did for His bride. . .He died for her while she was not inclined to do the same.  In other words, He was willing to give up His life when His bride hated Him, didn't Love Him, didn't agree with Him, wanted something different than He did. . .does this sound familiar in your marriage? This is when arguments start, lines get drawn, bunkers are entered and we begin to strategize to destroy our spouse.......instead of be destroyed as Christ was.

 God's list would be something like "Die for your spouse when they are not, give Grace, allow them to KNOW you, grow in humility, call them to live in Truth and reality, forsake comfort for the good of the marriage, pursue each other's heart, defend the marriage from ALL threats, the marriage is more important than anything else under God, allow each other to be who they are, do not change what God is changing, Love them well to the exclusion of your own agenda....."  His list is infinite but you get the idea.  Not one person goes to the altar with this in mind.  Not one.  But as soon as we are married God begins the real purpose of marriage, Sanctification.  He wants this union to grind and cut and sand away the things we have held onto that keep our hearts in charge of our world.  An angry man will be taught how to be tender, a voiceless wife will be taught how to be brave, a "little boy" who lacks the qualities of a man will be taught how to be a warrior for his wife...and the list keeps growing.  

God's purpose for our marriage is not for us to be happy.  It isn't for our bank accounts to be more secure.  He never promises marriage to be free of suffering, in fact it seems to multiply it.  God is taking two broken people who refuse to see their brokenness and forcing them into a relationship that will expose that brokenness.  The marriages that worry me the most?  The ones that appear to be perfect.  When I meet a couple who have been married 10 or 20 years and claim "We've never had problems"....THAT is a problem.  Sanctification is scary, it hurts, it is out of our control and God is perfectly capable of pushing buttons in us with our spouses that we never knew existed.  So when your marriage begins to have problem, put the broom away, don't sweep it under the carpet so that you both don't acknowledge them. . .these are the very problems that are inviting you to the Freedom marriage holds for our most wounded places, but to get there we must enter into the mess that is our REAL marriage.  The most hope I have for a couple is when they come to me and say "We've realized we don't love each other"....my response is always "Good, at least you are not in denial like the rest of us, now let's learn how to do that."

Redeemer

by 

Mike Hamilton

It is interesting the positions we put God in when it comes to what He "should" do for us.  Like no one else in the world we ask Him to reverse suffering, loss, pain, hurts, BEFORE they occurred, to make them as if they never occurred.  If I find myself in an ER with a doctor looking at my broken leg, I do not get mad at him for not reversing the event that broke my leg.  I am not mad at the surgeon for preventing my lung cancer, I am grateful that he is gifted in lung surgery.  I do not scream at the police officer for showing up after I dialed 911, I'm grateful that he showed up quickly and is protecting me.  When I forgive another person, that forgiveness does not reverse the pain they have caused me and vice versa.  

So why do we get angry with God for not reversing our pain?  Why do we get mad that He didn't show up "before"?  We are a peculiar group of people who seem to want to dictate to God who He should be and what His role in our life should be.  God is a redeemer, He has never claimed to be a preventer.  I would say that as long as our heart and soul is bent on determining what God was supposed to do for us, we will miss what He is doing for us.  Most of us would tell an amazing tale of a fire fighter who rushed in to carry us out of a burning building, even if we had suffered many third degree burns before he got to us.  But not God, we demand that He pay for the pain He should have prevented, instead of watching Him redeem our impossible stories of loss.  

Most clients come into my office in the place of God is "preventer" not "Redeemer".  They come to me looking for a fix, a way to better communicate to their spouse, a quick way to remedy the thing they want to affect them no more.....they want to wash away from their stories the very thing God is asking them to watch Him redeem.  A failing marriage, a past of sexual abuse, a death of a child, any trauma that our hearts are screaming "I will not let this affect me, if it does I will not survive".  

I have always been told and agree with the statement "The hardest things for our hearts to handle and accept are the things we have not chosen".  Loss and suffering spiral us into a dark place of despair instead of hope when this happens to us, be it a family death, a divorce, cancer, loss of a job, a whole host of things we would never have allowed into our lives.  We despair because we put God into a role He never promised us.  We can only Hope when we correctly see Him for what it is He does, He washes the dirty, frees the slave, restores the broken, heals the wounded.  He is the redeemer.  

When your life gets to a place where things are not going well and despair is mounting, you can almost always bet that we refuse to let Him do what He does.  Redemption is out of our purview, it is not for us to participate in beyond the role of victim.  We have to watch an unpredictable and unknowable God move in our lives and hearts without the foreknowledge that a plan exists, much less a good plan.  But if we enter into this place and have Hope we have now completed the one thing He asks of us.  "Trust Me, know that I am healing what has been broken, experience Me in loss in ways you can't understand, watch Me as I take what you thought was dirty and used and violated and hopeless and turn that into something beautiful and inspiring, something that makes you Rest and makes others Hope in me too."  Stories of the heroes of 9-11 in New York pull at us because they rushed in and helped when no one else could or would.  They are heroes not because they prevented the loss but because they made us have hope in the midst of it.  God's role in our lives and hearts is no different as redeemer.  He promises us Hope in the midst of loss, He promises to Love us in ways that makes the dark light, the intolerable tolerable.  

When Prayers Aren't Answered

by

Mike Hamilton

I was in Colorado with my family this past week.  This was supposed to be a week of refreshing, comfort, spectacular hikes and good food, a rest for my soul, my heart, my mind.  Two days into our vacation we reach the house we rented. . .at 11,000 feet.  11,000 feet.  11,000 feet, I keep typing that wondering why it didn't seem that bad when I booked this place, but it certainly seems bad now.  When we arrived at the house it was 7 or 8 pm and everyone was pretty much ready to crawl into bed.  At least that is what we thought.  

Within an hour our youngest son (2) started crying out and was restless, stuffy nose making him mad, just not comfortable, acute mountain sickness from ascending to that altitude too quickly.  Both kids ended up in our bed that night, Ben was up for hours kicking and tossing and turning.  The entire time I kept praying this ridiculous prayer, "God, please just let him go to sleep so we can have a good vacation".  And sadly, I really did mean it, that was my real prayer.  Hours later when he passed out from pure exhaustion, I was finally able to drift off for about 3 hours.  

Fast forward to the next night, its a repeat performance except this time Nate (our 5 year old) is stuffy and nauseated.  Both kids were tossing and turning, no one sleeping and I began to pray again.  "God, seriously, just let them get good rest, let them get sleep so we can enjoy this time, let them get sleep so we can enjoy the mountains and enjoy our time as a family....we need this God".  Again, sadly, I really did mean this, it was my prayer in earnest.  But here is the problem, I've known for years these kinds of prayers go unanswered.  They aren't real prayers, they are more like grumbling, ticked off, demanding prayers that are there for my comfort more than anything else.  Why would He answer that?  He has something deeper in mind for our hearts and souls than we can possible hope to understand much less ask for.  He is interested in things that transform us, transforms others, things that last and become a base for growth in us or in those around us, God is not interested in our comfortable vacations. . .He is interested in us learning to Love others and to give Grace and to suffer to find Rest.

So, three hours later, I'm still praying, desperate to go to sleep, desperate to just get those kids to sleep. . .when Nate sits up and begins to vomit in the bed.  I very quickly grab him up and he lets loose again on me, the floor, in his hand.  By the time we entered the bathroom he's vomiting on the floor and then finally in the shower.  I was barefoot, standing in it, all while telling Nate that it was going to be okay.  That he is okay, that everything was going to be okay, that I was sad he was sick and that he has done nothing wrong.  I was on my knees rubbing his hair and looking him straight in the eyes, holding his hand, cleaning him up.  I had entered into the mess in a literal way.  

And it was at that point when I felt Rest for the first time, three days into our vacation.  I began to see that I was asking for mindless numb comfort and God wanted me to understand how to Love my child in a way that is bonding, transforming, healing.  God was asking for me to enter into the mess and find a Rest that can't be explained by normal thought.  My prayers never took into account that God rarely uses comfort to bring us to big realizations.  Rarely if ever.  But while I sat in the bathroom with my son it was abundantly clear to me that I had, over the last few years, lost one of the most passionate things God had given me. . .the willingness to enter the mess with those around me.  This moment with my son was a reaffirming "go and do this, this is where you will find Rest, entering the messy places with those I've given you to love."  

It isn't the storied start to a vacation I would have asked for but I will never forget that moment with Nate.  And I hope to never forget the invitation to enter into the mess with those in my life, to love them as well as I can, to hope that my willingness to go there will invite others to do this as well.  This world offers a perfect numbing peace, it can be as sterile and clean as an operating room before use.  I have said many times God is a dirty God, so contrary to that sterile operating room.  He uses blood, mud, dirt, death, scars, sickness and tragedy to move us closer to Him and closer to others.  

Real life is full of dirty things, messiness that most of us would like to avoid for the sake of a comfortable moment, a comfortable life, a nice vacation.  I am thankful to have been in that bathroom Tuesday night with my son, sitting in that mess with him.  I hope to continue to move towards others in my weeks and years ahead to invite them to this same Rest.  Our hearts are full of painful places that most of us want to avoid for the same sake of comfort or a moving away from the pain.  It is these same places that will hold Rest for us if we dare enter in as we forsake comfort and embrace the reality of life in a fallen world.