"Moving Through"

When Prayers Aren't Answered

by

Mike Hamilton

I was in Colorado with my family this past week.  This was supposed to be a week of refreshing, comfort, spectacular hikes and good food, a rest for my soul, my heart, my mind.  Two days into our vacation we reach the house we rented. . .at 11,000 feet.  11,000 feet.  11,000 feet, I keep typing that wondering why it didn't seem that bad when I booked this place, but it certainly seems bad now.  When we arrived at the house it was 7 or 8 pm and everyone was pretty much ready to crawl into bed.  At least that is what we thought.  

Within an hour our youngest son (2) started crying out and was restless, stuffy nose making him mad, just not comfortable, acute mountain sickness from ascending to that altitude too quickly.  Both kids ended up in our bed that night, Ben was up for hours kicking and tossing and turning.  The entire time I kept praying this ridiculous prayer, "God, please just let him go to sleep so we can have a good vacation".  And sadly, I really did mean it, that was my real prayer.  Hours later when he passed out from pure exhaustion, I was finally able to drift off for about 3 hours.  

Fast forward to the next night, its a repeat performance except this time Nate (our 5 year old) is stuffy and nauseated.  Both kids were tossing and turning, no one sleeping and I began to pray again.  "God, seriously, just let them get good rest, let them get sleep so we can enjoy this time, let them get sleep so we can enjoy the mountains and enjoy our time as a family....we need this God".  Again, sadly, I really did mean this, it was my prayer in earnest.  But here is the problem, I've known for years these kinds of prayers go unanswered.  They aren't real prayers, they are more like grumbling, ticked off, demanding prayers that are there for my comfort more than anything else.  Why would He answer that?  He has something deeper in mind for our hearts and souls than we can possible hope to understand much less ask for.  He is interested in things that transform us, transforms others, things that last and become a base for growth in us or in those around us, God is not interested in our comfortable vacations. . .He is interested in us learning to Love others and to give Grace and to suffer to find Rest.

So, three hours later, I'm still praying, desperate to go to sleep, desperate to just get those kids to sleep. . .when Nate sits up and begins to vomit in the bed.  I very quickly grab him up and he lets loose again on me, the floor, in his hand.  By the time we entered the bathroom he's vomiting on the floor and then finally in the shower.  I was barefoot, standing in it, all while telling Nate that it was going to be okay.  That he is okay, that everything was going to be okay, that I was sad he was sick and that he has done nothing wrong.  I was on my knees rubbing his hair and looking him straight in the eyes, holding his hand, cleaning him up.  I had entered into the mess in a literal way.  

And it was at that point when I felt Rest for the first time, three days into our vacation.  I began to see that I was asking for mindless numb comfort and God wanted me to understand how to Love my child in a way that is bonding, transforming, healing.  God was asking for me to enter into the mess and find a Rest that can't be explained by normal thought.  My prayers never took into account that God rarely uses comfort to bring us to big realizations.  Rarely if ever.  But while I sat in the bathroom with my son it was abundantly clear to me that I had, over the last few years, lost one of the most passionate things God had given me. . .the willingness to enter the mess with those around me.  This moment with my son was a reaffirming "go and do this, this is where you will find Rest, entering the messy places with those I've given you to love."  

It isn't the storied start to a vacation I would have asked for but I will never forget that moment with Nate.  And I hope to never forget the invitation to enter into the mess with those in my life, to love them as well as I can, to hope that my willingness to go there will invite others to do this as well.  This world offers a perfect numbing peace, it can be as sterile and clean as an operating room before use.  I have said many times God is a dirty God, so contrary to that sterile operating room.  He uses blood, mud, dirt, death, scars, sickness and tragedy to move us closer to Him and closer to others.  

Real life is full of dirty things, messiness that most of us would like to avoid for the sake of a comfortable moment, a comfortable life, a nice vacation.  I am thankful to have been in that bathroom Tuesday night with my son, sitting in that mess with him.  I hope to continue to move towards others in my weeks and years ahead to invite them to this same Rest.  Our hearts are full of painful places that most of us want to avoid for the same sake of comfort or a moving away from the pain.  It is these same places that will hold Rest for us if we dare enter in as we forsake comfort and embrace the reality of life in a fallen world.