Marriage

Marriage

by

Mike Hamilton

When I do premarital or marital counseling I always start with one easy question, "Help me list the reasons you are getting or are married".  The list is always the same with some small variation as to the order of the answers.  Love, God, wanted children, financial security, buy a home, travel, we love the same things, want to do ministry, we have fun, we get a long well, our families liked our spouse.  This is almost always the list.  Maybe God is first and Love is second, but to some degree I could almost have this pre-written on my white board.  Some pre-marital couples list off, in addition to these, how much scripture of marriage they've studied, reasons why they are going to make it in marriage etc.  By the third or fourth answer I get a smile creeping across my face and they begin to realize they have willingly entered into a trap.  My problem with this list?  This isn't even remotely God's list for marriage.  

God has many purposes for marriage but one of the greatest is that our marriage is an example of the marriage between Christ and His church (His bride).  God's list is far deeper than ours and costs more than both of the spouses have in their account.  When we say "I do" we are signing the deed on a house that costs 5.5 million dollars and payment is due after the honeymoon.  Marriage is this big and it calls on resources that are not in us and certainly not at our disposal.  Look at the Cross for a moment, what Jesus did for His bride. . .He died for her while she was not inclined to do the same.  In other words, He was willing to give up His life when His bride hated Him, didn't Love Him, didn't agree with Him, wanted something different than He did. . .does this sound familiar in your marriage? This is when arguments start, lines get drawn, bunkers are entered and we begin to strategize to destroy our spouse.......instead of be destroyed as Christ was.

 God's list would be something like "Die for your spouse when they are not, give Grace, allow them to KNOW you, grow in humility, call them to live in Truth and reality, forsake comfort for the good of the marriage, pursue each other's heart, defend the marriage from ALL threats, the marriage is more important than anything else under God, allow each other to be who they are, do not change what God is changing, Love them well to the exclusion of your own agenda....."  His list is infinite but you get the idea.  Not one person goes to the altar with this in mind.  Not one.  But as soon as we are married God begins the real purpose of marriage, Sanctification.  He wants this union to grind and cut and sand away the things we have held onto that keep our hearts in charge of our world.  An angry man will be taught how to be tender, a voiceless wife will be taught how to be brave, a "little boy" who lacks the qualities of a man will be taught how to be a warrior for his wife...and the list keeps growing.  

God's purpose for our marriage is not for us to be happy.  It isn't for our bank accounts to be more secure.  He never promises marriage to be free of suffering, in fact it seems to multiply it.  God is taking two broken people who refuse to see their brokenness and forcing them into a relationship that will expose that brokenness.  The marriages that worry me the most?  The ones that appear to be perfect.  When I meet a couple who have been married 10 or 20 years and claim "We've never had problems"....THAT is a problem.  Sanctification is scary, it hurts, it is out of our control and God is perfectly capable of pushing buttons in us with our spouses that we never knew existed.  So when your marriage begins to have problem, put the broom away, don't sweep it under the carpet so that you both don't acknowledge them. . .these are the very problems that are inviting you to the Freedom marriage holds for our most wounded places, but to get there we must enter into the mess that is our REAL marriage.  The most hope I have for a couple is when they come to me and say "We've realized we don't love each other"....my response is always "Good, at least you are not in denial like the rest of us, now let's learn how to do that."