Now Entering the Kingdom of Self

I am sitting in my living room after a week of seclusion. I took time away from twitter, friends, clients, running, my family, people in general. I have had nothing left to give. I usually make contact with clients who text or email me non-emergency questions during the week just to let them know that I care for them, that they are on my radar screen, but even this was difficult. It seemed that lots of success lately has made it very difficult for me.....which is a strange thought. I have been training for a marathon in December, my practice has grown and things have been going well...so why am I so drained?

We rule our own hearts. Simple thought but complex as to how it plays out in our lives. Few of us allow unfettered access into the deeper places within us, but that is what God has designed us for. Deep connection. But this is far too disturbing. God would ask that we not protect our hearts from the things that happen. Now, let me clarify, He would ask that we not protect our hearts from what happens, this is different than allowing anything into our lives. The distinction is that we control what affects us by denying the reality of how events affect us. I'm suggesting that if someone hurts you in someway, most of us will "stuff it", deny it, or act like it never hurt us. But this isn't living in Truth, hurtful things hurt and God would want this to be true when it happens to us. And God is certainly asking us to allow Him to transform and work in our hearts all the time. We reject this because we still want to rule our own hearts apart from the King.

But, why am I so drained while things are going well? I'm in control of my heart. I didn't cause the growth in my practice, I can't. My field is based so heavily in referrals that much of a counselor's growth is up to God. He brings me clients not me. Bad events or good events all point to the one thing that all of us are afraid to admit, we can't make it happen. When my practice grows and it has nothing to do with me it reminds me that I'm at His mercy. When we lose our baby and there was nothing we could do, it reminds me that I'm at His mercy. I would much rather control my own heart without waiting on my King to show up in the good or the bad. If I rule I get to make rules, what comes in, what goes out. God never designed our hearts this way. We all live in some sort of spiritual dissociation where we decide what has happened to us and what is true, what is to be forgotten and what is painful or not. But if we do this in the hard times how do you stop doing that in the good times, a filter is a filter not easily taken off.

Let me clarify one more time. In my heart, if I'm king, I would choose to grow my practice in a way that I knew I would always be successful. God isn't interested in this. God being King makes Him interested in me showing up and caring for clients. His prosperity isn't about money, its about what happens inside of me that changes me into what He wants me to be. If I'm king I show up with clients that are easy with easy presenting problems. If I'm king I choose people needing advice about what cat to buy or how to make a good queso-dip. Since He is King I am given wounded people who need to understand what it means to be Loved, to see that others are willing to pursue their hearts, that they have value and that someone is willing to bleed for them. Its like the realization that people have when they finally understand that their marriage isn't about their happiness but more about learning how to Love their spouse without regard to themselves. It turns from blessing to a place where even in the good times we MUST LOOK TOWARDS HIM or we will hopelessly fail at it.

We are either okay with God moving in our lives either way, good or bad, or we are not. We can't have it one way and then another, we love it when He moves and hate it when He moves in hard ways, the position of our hearts simply doesn't allow this. When He moves He moves, when He acts who can reverse it? We are ultimately at His mercy. Success calls us to look towards Him if we are honest, if we look at it Biblically. Look at the story of Job, success isn't a right, it is something He gives. So if you find yourself where I am, drained and tired after really great things happening, just remember that this might be a sign pointing to something in your heart. "Now Entering the Kingdom of Self" and under this might be something in your heart that asks "Do I have what it takes, and if not will He take it away".

Ministering to others while WE are in suffering?

Jesus did so much more on the cross than die. I mean the most important thing He did for us was on the cross for sure, dying, but to not look further is to miss something important. I am not saying, more important, just something important. Look at Jesus and the rich young ruler, there is more to that story than a man who didn't follow. The story of Zacchaeus has much more to hold than where Jesus ate. The story of the adulteress woman holds more than Jesus being equitable to sinners. The story of His birth holds more than just a baby being born. In all of these stories is a store house of commentary by a God who wanted us to know Him and His heart. The cross is no different. This story is the linchpin that holds everything together for us to be sure, but in it are many invitations to our hearts. The obvious is that we can receive salvation because of this amazing and loving sacrifice. But to look closer, there are other invitations that lay at the foot of the cross.

In His most dark hour Jesus was caught in the grip of the very thing He asked the father to remove, suffering. From the garden where Jesus' request was not filled to the cross where He was covered in it, suffering, like never before, entered Jesus' story. The One who was sinless became sin, He who was our ultimate blessing became a curse, hanging from a tree. However something else was happening as He hung there for us, something that had nothing to do with His beautiful act of salvation. He began to Love and care for others in the midst of being broken spiritually and physically. As He was becoming sin He was living out perfect Love. As He was receiving all of God's fury He was living out perfect Mercy. As He was unable to be comforted He lived out giving perfect comfort. All of this in the midst of suffering.

"When Jesus saw His mother standing there, He said "Mother, here is your son" (speaking of the disciple John) and to the disciple He said "Here is your mother." In His suffering Jesus was taking care of those around Him, speaking Life into what He was witnessing as He died. He was engaged so fully with those at the foot of His cross that He was moved to invite them to be comforted and to be taken care of upon His leaving. The thief who hung next to Him was comforted while dying when Jesus said that He would be in Heaven with Him. The soldiers who were stealing His clothes were prayed for by Him that they would be forgiven. All of this happening simultaneously in His greatest day of suffering. He was always moving towards people as He lived out Love, Truth, Mercy, Grace, all despite what was happening around Him. So, what am I trying to point out here?

Suffering has a purpose for us and others. Suffering is much like Truth, it never comes back void. In the hands of the Master, suffering avails much in our hearts and lives, as well as in others' hearts and lives. But the problem is none of us are willing to sit in suffering for any extended period of time. We wiggle and wriggle our way out of suffering as quickly as we can as if it were an acid bath eating away at our skin. Oddly, I guess it is, eating away at our old flesh to make us new, but we are far too busy getting out than sitting in it. In our suffering we find Him. There is no question that He is always present in the very place that we wildly run from. Always. And in suffering and loss we have the opportunity to be stripped bare and find a place where He is all that matters and all that seems to make sense. This is where Christ lived all the time, all that matters is Him. To move into the lives of others effectively to live out Love, True Love, it takes us to a path none of us want. Suffering, loss and brokenness are the very road He calls us to when He wants us to invite others to the Deep, so they can call others to the Deep. But get this, we most effectively call others to the Deep when we are living in the middle of suffering.

Exactly! We are far too engrossed in our own lives and heart protection to give of ourselves from the deeper places, until we find brokenness. To the degree that you have experienced brokenness and have suffering in your story is the degree that you have compassion for others. Compassion without brokenness is sympathy at best. Compassion as a result of broken places in our hearts is an offering beyond us of Him. Broken people who are in pain often shock us because of their passion for Him during the loss. I see it each week or month on twitter, someone praising the King in the middle of pain, glorifying Him as they hurt...all the while our hearts are stirred to move towards Life with Him because there is something in our hearts that can't deny what they are saying. To speak that He is all I've got because it is text book, means little to me. But to hear a mother in agony over the loss of her child speak those words, that is where we see Him. When we move towards suffering we must be engaged in our story. This means we must be engaged with those in our story. And if we do these two things we can not help but speak Truth and Life to others while our world is shattering. We have no choice, if we submit to suffering, we submit to His plan in it. His plan will ALWAYS be to glorify and praise Him in ways that make others want to know more about it. This is what Jesus did on the cross and this is what we are called to each time we face suffering.

Sheep that bark like wolves

This week my heart has been so heavy. So many people I have meet on twitter and people who are in churches all across the nation have been duped by wolves. Of course they don't look like wolves, they are kind, politically correct, tender, grace filled people, which gives them the sheep's clothing...but they have teeth. They speak well, they write even better and they film these awesome trendy short films that make everyone say "have you seen...this or that film". I'm thinking about filming a short series named "TRUE-MA", to offset some of the lies of this growing emergent church.

It seems some from the realm of Jesus based churches have stepped up their response to this growing cancer in our midst, but I think far too many people frankly feel rude if they do say something. These are seemingly good, nice men. But really? I don't think this can be true, they are leading generations of young people right into the toilet, one QUESTION at a time. Is Jesus really the only way to get to heaven? (bell) If you take away the virgin birth, what have you really lost? (bell) The Bible isn't an inspired text, its just a cultural commentary that doesn't all fit our culture. (bell) To a man who teaches at a liberal seminary in Seattle, Mars Hill Graduate School, who had his students take communion, YES COMMUNION, from a MUSLIM CLERIC, yes, do I need to repeat it? (McClaren) Do I need to add that this week he is fasting with the muslims during ramadan? (mcclaren) They question whether homosexuality is a sin, why? The Bible speaks to this. They question whether or not Jesus is the only way to heaven, why? The Bible speaks to this.

I think the only way you can pull this off is to put doubt into the minds of our children as to the inspired nature of the Bible. If you can pull that off, then the rest is easy. Take a Holy Document, make it human and then place it into the context of CULTURE. Our culture isn't theirs they say, our culture is thousands of years older they say, we are in a post-modern culture they say, the Bible isn't totally applicable to use anymore, so now we get to pick and choose what we believe from it. APOSTATES! The drool from their wolf fangs drip out under the kind little sheep's face that they show all of us. This is not about mega-churches for them, its about polluting Truth to make it "truth", its about taking Holiness and making it relative, its about taking the divine and making it human, its about taking words of Life and twisting it just slightly to make it death in disguise.

The first "person" to try this method did so successfully and pulled it off many, many years ago. The use of question, the use of "dialogue", the invitation to "wrestle", the charge to continue the "conversation", all used once. The question about what is widely known as Truth is sometimes veiled in an "invitation to dialogue" or "to wrestle", but why wrestle with things that are known to be BIBLICALLY TRUE? There is always an agenda hidden in the emergent church's dialogue, just like when Satan said in the garden, "surely this day you will not die?" He used the same device, a question of God's Ultimate Truth, to bring all of humanity into sin. His invitation seemed to be good, but lead to death. He didn't rage at God to Adam and Eve, he simply questioned God's Truth. This is the emergent church, simply questioning God's Truth for the sake of dialogue.

Bell was quoted in an interview along with his wife that they didn't believe the Bible was a Holy inspired text, how can so many people be reading books from this guy? His invitation is just the same as Satan's, death. Bell doesn't deny Jesus, he just slightly twists Jesus to make him NOT JESUS, so when he offers "him", its not really Him. McClaren is a full on apostate as well, inviting a Muslim Cleric to give communion, this is nothing short of Apostasy! Jesus himself gave instruction on how to give communion, why, and what it signifies. Who is McClaren to change this, pervert this? To dirty this beautiful symbol of the cross?

Be careful those who have read the lies within the pages of these men's books, and others who are coming out of the emergent church movement. They are wolves, apostates, men who would deny Truth so that they can deal out "truth", a post-modern compromise for political correctness and tolerance. Satan invited Adam and Eve to question Truth and said that God didn't want them to "know what He knows"...he invited them to death, but also to be "gods", to be able to create their own "truth" so that they could act as they wished. This is the heart of the liberal emergent church movement, we are all miniature "gods" who get to co-lead with God to create something.....no offense, I lose my car keys twice a week, what can I do to co-lead with God? He DOESNT NEED ME OR YOU, HE WORKS THROUGH me and you, we are not CO-LEADERS, CO-GODS or CO-ANYTHING, we are to be Truth filled, broken vessels that He chooses to use or not. Culture does not bind God, He isn't SUDDENLY irrelevant, HE IS GOD, to be sold on the fact that because we live in a post-modern culture that God is in need of our help is crazy, dangerous and is laden with agenda. A Holy God that is in need of our marketing efforts is a truly WEAK GOD, this scares me if this is the True God that I've always served, that He has failed to anticipate a post-modern culture and has become bound by it so severely that He is in need of me. I am not a god or a God, and can certainly recognize that He is, but not true for many emergents, be careful sheep, be careful, there are those in this pen who do not know His voice and question His Truth, look for teeth my friends, look for teeth.

Bella's Service

We had a service on Saturday for our daughter, we named her Bella Rest Hamilton. I spent a lot of time trying to post this blog and realized that I can't do the service justice. It was just Julie and I, completely alone in a beautiful park. No one single person was there, it had been raining all day. We were glad. This was our time, just two parents mourning their daughter. We wrote letters to Bella and I wanted to post mine. The details of our time in the park is ours, but my words to my daughter, I want to share. I hope these speak to you as well, I hope they might call you to deeper places, that they might mean something.

Letter to Bella:

Lord you have searched me and you know me, you know when I sit and I rise, you know my thoughts from afar, you watch my going out and my lying down, you are familiar with all my ways, before a word is on my tongue you know it completely O Lord…..My sweet daughter Bella, this part of scripture gives me peace and a rest in my heart for I know that our God knew you before He put you into your mom’s womb. He knew you, your heart, he knew who you were, before you ever took your own breath. Comfort is only a part though, only a small portion of what I have felt through this time that we lost you, our sweet baby girl.

I was excited about you even before I met you, before I could see you, I was excited. I so wanted a daughter that I could hold in my arms and snuggle with, to have you sit in my lap and hold your little face in my hands. I was excited about that. I was excited to get to meet you and see what your face looked like, to see what your hands looked like, little baby hands are so sweet. To have you be a part of our family, to be a part of our little family, would have been so sweet Bella, I was excited for you to be with us.

I was excited too for Nate who would have made you such a great big brother, he would have gotten to see you grow and help you learn all of these great things he has learned. He would have thought it was fun to help you say words, to walk, to play with toys, to eat….Nate is your big brother and I am I know he will meet you someday. I hope you love him.

I have also felt hope. Hope is the thing that we get to do here on earth before we see Jesus face to face. I know that hope isn’t needed in Heaven, where you are, God is completely there with you, completely engaged and surrounding you! You get to see Him each minute of each hour of each long day there. We only get glimpses, but hope allows us to glimpse Him in ways that we can’t otherwise. Hope has allowed me to do many things for you even before I met you. It allowed me to know how much I loved you, how very much I loved you and how much your mom and I would have done to save your life! You were precious to us, and we had never met you! Hope allowed me this. Hope also allowed me to know that you were important and real, valuable and worthy, that you were lovable and a gift. Hope allowed me to experience you and your impact on my heart before you were born, Hope allowed my heart to be touched by you Bella! I would not trade those days.

I felt tremendous loss. I lost years of hearing your voice, feeling your little hands reach for me, hearing your feet run around the house. I lost years of time, yes, but years of experiences with you as my daughter. This loss was and is, will always be a huge loss, you will never be with us here. I will never see you married, I don’t get to walk you down the aisle, I don’t get to watch you grow up from Barbie dolls to makeup. I will never get to pursue your heart as only a daddy can pursue his daughter’s heart. I will miss you Bella. I will always miss you.

But let me say this too, I would not change the fact that God gave you to your mommy and I. I can’t say I wouldn’t change having you leave us, but I can say for sure that I wouldn’t change getting to know you were ours, for a very, very short time. You will always be a part of the family and we will tell Nate about you someday. We will always remember you and the day of 09/09/09, the day you left us here. I love you very much Bella, you were not lost on us, I am glad God gave you two parents who would miss you, I think its important! You were a person! You brought meaning to our lives in such a short time, you meant something to me, you truly created so much in my heart from the moment that your mommy saw the pink line……….that pink line. I was so grateful for it…..it lead me to you, and you lead me to Him in ways I had forgotten could be true. Thank you Bella for being my daughter, for being a part of our family, thank you for making a huge impact on my life and heart, you were worth it, even this loss, you were worth it.

We love you very much and I hope that one day, someday, when we are in Heaven we might get to see you and meet you. I do hope to be able to do this. You will never be forgotten little girl….I would have loved to have protected and known your heart, to have gotten to pour into your heart what I have to give, but it seems it happened the other way around for us. You matter to me little girl, you matter to me!

Asleep in the Bottom of the Boat

What do you do when the storm is still raging and your boat is falling apart? Its strange, waves crashing, wind is howling, thunder rolling, and I'm asleep in the bottom of the boat. I know that life, real life, is about encountering things that allows us to understand Jesus, to become more like Him. Think of the feeling of powerlessness and envision the cross, think of rejection and think of the crowd choosing the murderer over Jesus, think of loneliness and think of Jesus in the garden. Countless situations call us to experience what Jesus did while here for us. But asleep in the bottom of the boat? This is not usually me. I'm likely the man standing on the tip top of the mast during a hurricane screaming and shaking my fist at God, daring Him to kill me. But asleep? During a storm? This is just not me. What a strange place I must say again, to be humbled in front of the One I've done battle with all my life.

Now this doesn't mean I don't feel sadness, wave after wave of sadness hit, loss will always be with our family now, and this is okay, it must be okay for I can't change this. I have found peace in the middle of a raging hurricane for the first time in my life. My feet have been planted under me by something beyond me. But this is not so for my wife, an ever growing sadness, depression, a beginning bud of anger, all chaotic for a woman who has lived so controlled her whole life. My wife said yesterday that "I have always done what is right, what is controlled, I don't want to do this right." Now that is a HUGE statement from a woman who has done right for right's sake, all of her life.

It never ceases to amaze me that God can use the same event to call our hearts to be transformed in totally different ways. 10 years ago, maybe even 5 years ago, it would have felt like death to me to move into the place I have found myself. This peace and rest in the midst of a boat destroying storm. The bottom of the boat might as well have been a coffin, it would have been DEATH to me to be there. But my wife, has always been able to find this place, the place where calm reigns and outbursts or anger had no place. She has never fought the storm. Although, she has never been in one this huge. "I've never had loss to this magnitude, nothing even close". So what is going on? It feels like we are walking through this in separate spheres, I can see her and she can see me, but we are definitely not experiencing the same event. God is showing Himself as amazing, showing His commitment to two people separately and together, to transform them separately and together.

For a man who has been so terrified of powerlessness it has been freeing to be powerless in this. For a woman who has been so controlled all her life, God used something far too big for her to control, the life of a baby. (whatever your belief, God either used it, didn't stop it etc) It would feel like death for my wife to feel deeply any emotion, especially rage towards God, overwhelming loss, uncontrollable tears. She would wonder where it would stop, how far would it go, she is moving into uncharted territory. Uncontrolled, uncharted territory.

My heart is moved towards my wife but I know that God is in control again, moving us towards something we can't know or understand. He will work in my wife what He will, He will finish what He has started. Same with me, this work of being asleep in the boat, will perfect something in me that has never been there. Hope in the midst of the unknown, to an acceptance that He is God and I am NOT His peer. I have demanded that position far too long. We are both moving into places seldom seen by each of us, the only thing I have to hold onto is that He has to be there because I would not have chosen this path.

Julie spoke to that yesterday. "I would not have chosen this." My eyes burn with tears right now as I type those words. It is the hardest thing life offers us. These places in our stories where loss has affected us so deeply we would never have chosen. Those things have happened to us, no matter our choice to be a part of that story. These are words deeply rooted in pain and suffering, "I would not have chosen this." And there is nothing I can say. I sit in this boat, asleep, watching my wife staring at that mast, wondering if she will climb, shake her fist in His face. Will this be the thing that frees her heart to be at rest as a sinner in front of the One who loves her most? Will she see that He would love her anyway, whether she chooses cordial rightness or anger filled accusation? I hope she climbs the mast.

Her Name Might Be Rest

Last week we got possible bad news from the OB. This week this news was confirmed. My wife's hormone levels didn't go up after four days, we both knew what this meant. The nurse asked us to come in for a sonogram. I met my wife at my office and we drove together. It was a strange journey down to the hospital. We chatted, we laughed, I told her a story about getting on the radio today to argue a political point, but in our hearts, a growing feeling that God was leading us from Hope into Loss. As we drove we texted, Facebooked and Tweeted for prayers, we made phone calls, but again, in our hearts was an acknowledgment that God was in full control now, prayers wouldn't change this part of our story. I liken the feeling of the drive to a small child waiting in line for a roller coaster. This underlying fear that can't be shown in the line, this frantic feeling building the closer we found ourselves to the hospital, but little shown on the outside. It was polite more than calm, surreal but engaged. So hard to put into words.

The sono-tech showed us the baby this time. This tiny little pea. This really helped me. In my wife's womb was a tiny little being, God spared me the fear that we would see blackness where a child should have been. Hard to grieve blackness. Maybe it will be harder still to grieve the little pea, so much loss attached to such a little baby. We couldn't see an arm, or toes, not a face, just a little pea, mine, it was my little pea. We left the doctor's office, a practice full of Christian doctors, all who know that saying "God is in control" doesn't take away pain. They invited us to loss. God used these men.

We drove home, went to eat down the road, and took a walk with our 1 year old and our huge dog. Quivering in our hearts and working its way into our words was this feeling that grew as we walked as a family. This feeling, this loss mixed with pain yet Rest, a true humble moment in my life. It made words to my wife so hard. I wanted to tell her that I wanted to say this baby was a girl, I really want a little girl. I wanted to tell her that I want to name this little girl, Emily or Bella, or maybe Truth, something that makes a statement. Rest sounds good, her name might be Rest. But these words couldn't find their way out, much to much inside waiting to come out. The pond in our neighborhood wasn't the place.

We made it back home and I got dressed for a jog. We were trying to slowly allow loss to show on its own, I was okay if it showed while I jogged down the road. It didn't, God wouldn't have it that way. This was much to important. It hit as I read my twitter posts, people posting such amazing things, so much concern, Love, Grace, from people I've never met. God can create community within any structure, I've seen this. What took me down the road to full blown, heaving tears was a surprise. One person, Last Trumpet Living, said "Jesus is holding your baby right now." I say it caught me by surprise because I'm a counselor and I fully believe in the suffering, the pain, the loss. But this comment took me directly into, through and beyond this place of suffering, to a place of Hope that I can't put into words. This might sound cheesy but for the first time I think Heaven became real to me. In my life I have found it difficult to get the concept because I often say "it seems to good to be true for me, I believe in Heaven but it just seems to good for me." But for my baby, this tiny little baby that I've only seen on a black and white TV screen, Heaven is a proper place...she deserves that place.

Now I will find suffering in all of this and I am so glad to have lost it tonight with many tears, many hope filled tears. He was in that. But suffering must come....I have lost 50 years of time with this baby. Its funny what God uses to remind you of what you lost. My 1 year old was running down the hall on our wood floors, and what I have heard a million times suddenly stopped me cold and made me realize the pain that will come...the sound of his little bare feet. That is loss. He giggled as he chased the dog....that is loss. He hugged me before he went to bed, that is loss. I will never feel that with her...I will never hear her feet, her name, this little girl, might be Rest...I will let you know later. I will never hold that little girl. This will always be loss and I am at Rest in that, she is mine, but not to hold and see, to touch and laugh with, to tickle and pat her head. I hope He continues to lead me into this.

I will post more here, I hope that you don't mind that I work through this on such a public forum, but I believe in this, to be out there with what it is that God is doing in me and my wife. He has lead us into loss, but in this place is still Rest....what a Kind King we do serve. What a Kind King.......

He gives Life

My wife and I are currently in waiting. We are waiting to see if God takes our unborn baby's life or gives it to him/her. I have a one year old son already and I think he has made this process so profoundly different for me. I know what it is that resides inside of my wife, a life of joy, hope, love, grace, a life, a little tiny life who can sweep us off our feet with the first glance. Each time my son giggles at me or the dog or the box or at the dust-bunny on the floor, it makes me realize what is inside of my wife. Each time I get up with him (he's teething) and he lays in my arms and touches my face, smiles, strokes my hair and nuzzles my chest, I know what is inside of my wife. Life. This tiny little being who I haven't met yet has called my heart to an amazing place with our Father. I can only describe this with words but it will be far to inadequate. This place that I have found at the feet of my Father because of my unborn baby, a place called Rest.

Our visit to the OB wasn't what we had hoped, the sono-tech's face and questions began to make our chests feel anxious and tight. A flood of fear, loss and despair immediately hit us. "Are you bleeding or cramping? This doesn't look right." She said it as if asking about our food order, "Do you want your steak rare or medium?" Time began to crawl and Julie and I met a gaze that said why would this happen, I was terrified that this was going to happen. The doctor came in and gave us "hope" but it is far less than that. "We can do nothing but run these tests and see, it might be a real pregnancy, but we have to find out for sure." Wrapped up in his words were hope and despair all at once. Julie and I felt like a ping-pong ball when we left, bouncing off this wall and that one. Many tears, lots of broken words, all trying to come out while we were driving home. We were beyond stunned but simultaneously grasping for Him. You see, I believe these hard times, this terrifying place we find ourselves, is not without meaning.

The meaning I have found is that I am being invited by the One who gives and takes life to be humbled at His feet. Not out of dirty submission and shame, but from a place where I acknowledge that He is the only One who can show up for me. He is my only answer and place to run. We wrestled all night and I very quickly came to Rest. I realized that my fear was not of the pain but that I would refuse to enter into the pain. My fear was that I could lose that little life inside of my wife and not be profoundly affected by it. I can do that. I have always been able to ignore enormous pain. However, this was a different place, a place where as a dad already I understood what I might be losing. So I choose Hope, the Life Giver, because I believe in this situation, before there is loss, the only invitation from Him is to Hope. I choose that, to fully embrace and feel hope so that if He chooses to take my baby's life so soon, I can FULLY feel the loss. There is no middle ground here. I can either hope or feel despair, I can not choose to stand in the middle when there is no middle. The middle does not exist.

I am prepared to enter into suffering only because I have chosen to hope in the midst of bad odds. And if I am led into suffering it will be to strip away the false and to leave only the One who loves me most. I have been missing from His lap far too long my friends. Far too long. If He chooses to take my baby away from me, before we have met, I will be angry for a time. But this will HAVE TO YIELD to a movement towards Him for He will be my only Refuge. I am desperate to meet this unborn baby, to hold him/her and to get to know who they are. I am desperate to love this baby and to hold this baby late at night when I have had far too little sleep. And because of this little unborn baby I have been led to know that I am deeply desperate for Him like this too, only from more humble and real places in my heart. Ultimately He is my King, my Abba, my Daddy, He gives me life and all that matters and is good. So as I rest at His feet, I humbly ask He who gives Life, He who loves me most, that I can have that which has started as Life inside of my wife. I wait. He will show up.

Serving without PASSION or Passion without serving

I keep showing up at White Rock Lake in Dallas early on Saturday mornings. I do this to jog my long runs as I train for my marathon. In Texas its a good idea to begin a long jog before the sun comes up because of the heat. Early means 5:45 or 6:00 am. It seems I can't leave the house until 6:00. I think its my laziness, or maybe its that my wife is soft and warm and my pillows are fluffy. I tend to show up at the lake after normal people who are training for a marathon (if there is in fact a normal person training for a marathon) are finished. I show up apparently when every model, trainer, professional athlete, and pretty person with a six pack (and not the good kind but the stomach kind) has shown up to run around the lake. It strangely seems that I am the most unattractive and most un-athletic person out there.

These people, if you can call them people, run at sub 7 minute miles, whole blobs of them, huge groups of super jogging people whose bodies look like they purchased them out of a magazine. Sub 7 minute miles, over long distances, more than 10 miles. When I first went out there I tried to keep up with them and learned quickly this will never happen. It looks like we are doing the same thing but really, i mean really, we are not. Its obvious to me that even though our stride looks similar and our pace looks similar, they are doing something I can't, but it looks the same. Well, the mechanics look the same anyway. I plod along at my 9:30 second pace over the 10 miles and come in sweating and woozy. Woozy isn't in their vocabulary. I carry water on a belt and carbohydrate goo to keep me going, I think many of them could do this whole thing while smoking and eating a turkey sandwhich. It just doesn't seem fair.

So where am I going with this? Its not about my average looks and my average jogging ability. Its about people who are passionate about things being able to live that out. If these passionate runners want to run a marathon in less than 3 hours, man they should be encouraged to do so. Why would I tell them (if I could) they should really walk instead? Or that I should tell them to stop running and pick up leaves? Should I ask them to ride skate boards instead? Are you still reading? I'm surprised, but I'm getting there quickly. Why then do churches put such constraints on the people who are in their congregation? Often churches preach about service but really just want people to greet new members in the parking lot or serve in children's classes. Great, if that is what you want to do, or if that is what you do in connection with other things you are passionate about. But, this isn't the case, often the passion you have to serve is squelched.

There are current churches who have this stigma, if you aren't a seminary student or graduate then you can't teach. You certainly can't lead marriage, men's or women's retreats, nor can you teach on Sunday. But, if I were so inclined, I could greet people at the door. I could setup tables during special events. I could even, hold your breath, clean up after Wednesday dinner. Look, I'm not suggesting that I won't and shouldn't be asked to do these things, but to be given these in exclusivity of my giftings? I think there is a control freak mentality that doesn't smell like the gospel to me. It doesn't look like Jesus. Peter was a DISASTER, but Jesus continually moved into his life and asked him to do things. Churches need to wake up, encourage their members to find something they are passionate about and partner with them. This is why our churches ARE DYING! We are choking our congregations to death, many of us sit in the pews slightly more aroused than passed out every Sunday. Wake up churches, your pews are full of people who are brilliantly moved to do brilliant things in the name of God.

I know a woman on twitter who has an amazing story of physical loss and a story of how God moved into that to give her a different view of life. She HAS A STORY to tell and it is full of hope! I asked her what she does to serve at church (thinking it is a forgone conclusion) and she floored me when she said "My church never lets me serve in ways I want, I've been told I can teach a ladies small group, but never in ways I would love to serve." Really?!?!?! Why? Who says that she needs to serve in some small group with some prescribed book with a prescribed set of questions with a prescribed outcome of answers? Why is this her church fate? She has a story to tell, one of depth, suffering, loss, pain, and REDEMPTION! So the very community that is to help her live out what God has for her chokes the spiritual life right out of her. Let her run a marathon in under 3 hours (spiritually speaking)! God might ACTUALLY begin to move in your churches if you do!

Healing through pain

Hosea 6:1 "He (God) has TORN US so that He may HEAL us."

Our lives are tantamount to one big movement away from pain. Don't believe me? Look at the endless offices dedicated to addiction, AA, NA, CA, drug programs, alcohol program, sexual addiction programs. We have a group here in Dallas called 4th Dimension. 4th Dimension allows anyone addicted to anything to show up and work the 12 steps. I have been told that people show up who are addicted to Carmex. I'm serious. Our movement away from pain however doesn't have to be so outlandish as drug use. Pornography, shopping, TV, working a lot of hours, sports, golf, or just lots of time spent away from people or community, all ways to reduce or numb out pain.

As children we all received wounds, this is true. We were defenseless children who were born into a world that was depraved and twisted. Wounds were inevitable, no matter how amazing our childhood looked. We chose very early on to not allow what wounded us to matter, and in some extreme cases not to exist at all. We have chosen to live out lives in reaction to our woundedness. A man who felt small and powerless all his life will likely become an angry and powerful person. A woman who had no voice might become an over-bearing, powerful woman who profusely spouts her opinions. A little child who was exposed to sexual trauma might make that trauma their treasure and live in promiscuity to prove the original trauma "never hurt". Our movement is seemingly always towards life in our minds, but often times it is actually towards death. A perfect example, a heroine addict will swear the drug feels like life to them, but is actually leading them to death. This happens on many levels in our own lives and hearts. We see things "upside-down". Our vision has been twisted by depravity.

So, what is a God to do with a people who have fully committed to not allowing wounds to affect them? Especially when those wounds have caused all of us to run in a direction in opposition to those wounds? This is not freedom and God is a God of freedom.

About two years ago I had gone into my back gate to get a water hose and unbeknownst to me, a whole gaggle of very large red wasps were waiting. A gaggle of red demon spawned insects who had apparently chosen my back yard as a quaint little gathering place. Soon after I shut the gate they made my lower, shirtless, stretched taut back a quaint little gathering place for their stingers. I immediately felt this burning, stinging, electrocuted type pain shooting through my back. I shot straight up and blindly began running across the yard, right into our swing set. I get back up from the ground, screaming like a little girl, holding my back and aggressively moving towards my poor 140 pound dog. She was frozen in fear, mulling over, I'm sure, her last few moments of actions to determine what she did wrong. I plow over her, hit the ground again, sprain my ankle.

By now the wasps are back on their little quaint nest, feeding their babies and high-fiving each other for the successful wounding of the intruder, emotionally and physically. My anger towards these demon spawned fiends was so intense that I resolved to kill them for what they had done. Wasp spray in hand I charge back into the yard, stand back the 12 feet the can says it will spray, and let loose with all my fury a petroleum based vengeance on these wasps. Who, unlike the directions stated, did not immediately fall to the ground. They swarmed up and around me and I was stung many times again. At this point I felt like a little kid, a stupid little kid, sitting in the yard tending to my wounds. I was so intent on getting vengeance for the pain I had received that I didn't realize something important. My action of killing these wasps would NOT take away the fact that I had been stung and hurt. In fact, my choice to live in opposition to the wasp sting made it all that much worse, many more stings worse. No one could have convinced me that once stung I should have sat in that place calmly. And certainly I couldn't be convinced not to streak across the yard in pain. And not even God could have convinced me that looking for vengeance and a cessation of pain was a bad idea.

At times in our lives God allows pain to become a part of our story. And if you stop there it seems cruel and pointless. It seems that God is a God who just randomly allows terrible things to happen for no reason. He seems so irrational. But that is not the true God that is in the Bible. All things that happen to us He uses for our good, all things. Wasp stings, bad grades, death of a loved one, losing a job, bad marriage, and so on, can all be used to help you find freedom from wounds you tucked away a long time ago. Wounds you have vowed in your heart to not have affected you, not have hurt you, that evil did not win, but in reality pain may have hurt you. Wounds like sexual abuse, physical abuse, family violence, loss of parents when we were children, cold family lives, and a whole host of other painful realities that might have been a part of our childhood. And this is what God is committed to doing for you, to tear you open so that these past wounds can be true. And why would He do that? So that HE may heal you as in Hosea 6:1. To live a life that constantly looks to deny the pain of our past will in turn make you a prisoner of that past the rest of your life. God is passionate about setting you free, even if He has to allow pain in your life to accomplish it.

Peter, angry sheep feeding disciple

Don't you love Peter in the Bible? A passionate man who ran after Jesus every chance he could, angry, messy, argumentative, Peter was a spiritual disaster, but there is something beautiful about it isn't there? Something in Peter made Jesus move towards him time and time again, arguments and all. The same man Jesus said "Get behind me Satan" (gulp) is the same man Jesus asked to feed His sheep. One of the things about Peter that I am so interested in is the fact that he continued to move towards Jesus even when it ended up being one disaster after another. It never stopped him. Even after the denial, Peter ran after Jesus again, but this time humbled in ways we had not seen before. You see this angry man who followed Jesus for his own agenda (to set up the kingdom at that moment in history) was a passionate man, but not a broken man. Until Peter found brokenness his agenda (justice/power) was more important than Jesus' (loving others with our lives).

In Matthew 26 Peter follows Jesus after His arrest in true Peter fashion, right into the courtyard of the High Priest, where the trial of Jesus would take place. He walked right into the vipers den! I could see Peter sitting there, I would love to think it was in the middle of them all, waiting to see what would happen. It is not until Jesus begins to live out His most painful story that we see Peter begin to question his own ability and desire to be a part of it. In fact, what we see is Peter begins to leave after he is accused of being a disciple. The very point where he could have chosen to be with Jesus in the midst of all that suffering, he chooses to run. He first moves from the courtyard, into a gateway, where he is torn between leaving the story unfolding before him and staying with Jesus.

It is at this place that we all find ourselves today, outside the gateway, looking in. In us, much like in Peter, is a heart that is pulled in two directions at the same time. “I do not want a story where pain and suffering is a part, but at the same time, I am drawn into this very place because deeply I know it is a place of freedom, healing and life.” For most of us, the pain of loss and broken relationships is far too much to endure on our own. So we choose to stand outside of the gateway, denying our real story just as Peter did. Here is the problem, Jesus always shows up later, just as He did for Peter, to ask us to take care of His sheep. He understands that suffering and loss in our stories allows us to "feed His sheep" in ways that calls others to their wounds and ultimately freedom. This is where God lives right? In the Truth of our stories waiting for you to allow Him to be glorified by His plan of redemption in your life. And at this He is gently relentless in His pursuit of our healing and redemption, even if we continue to deny what is true about our hearts.

Allow your story to be true and find Him in it, this will always lead you to pouring into others. To feed His sheep you need to have something to offer them, from deeper places within yourself. You can't lead others to suffering (or sit with them in it) if you haven't been there yourself. Your default will always be to tell them things to take away their pain, but this is not for you to do, but only Him. Accept what is true of your story, find brokenness as Peter did and then you will see that what you have to offer will come from different places in your heart.

Surgery at the ice cream store

I was out at lunch today with my son. A woman sitting in Braum's (an ice cream/burger joint in Texas) said something that I think everyone uses to never change. I remember their conversation fading into mine (mine was a conversation about lights, Nate is quite enamored with them) as I fed ice cream to my son. I remember about the time I was thinking "is this ice-cream too hard for him, is he going to choke?" (I'm a new dad okay...) I heard this woman's voice fading into the foreground of my reality. "You see, you see! Everyone has issues, everyone, see, I told you everyone is screwed up." So, as a counselor I was drawn in, not verbally but stealthily as she began to speak about things that no one should and I began to hear things, sadly true, angering and hopeless things.

You see this woman began to tell her friend "that's why I gave up...its no use, no one can get over their issues, so I give up." Now, there is this part of me, a counseling part, that almost blurted out "Here's my card!" But alas, I was staid by a curiosity as to what exactly was this woman's issues and how are we all the same as her? Now Nate, my 1 year old, sat back in his chair pointing at the lights saying "Ga, Ga" and letting chocolate chip ice cream drip down his chin. I no longer cared about his chin, my duty was no longer about ensuring his aesthetically pleasing appearance, it was about eaves dropping on this woman.

She sat just one table away at this place, where all tables are not wiped down, sticky and crammed in closer than a bunch of hippies in a telephone booth (?what?). "My meds are just getting too expensive and he (the doctor) just keeps marking up my dose, that's all they (docs) do, push medicine." Now I am really intrigued, I am about to be privy to knowledge that I could only attain if I were on this woman's HIPAA forms, and I am not. Her friend looks over her shoulder at me as if to see if I am listening, I quickly glance away and start yammering to Nate about the ice cream. At this point I begin to survey their table, double cheese burgers, a mound (seriously, a REAL mound) of fries and each woman has at her disposal, a banana split. Two on one table, my wife and I usually share one. "He says he won't (this is the poor doc again) be able to get it approved, my surgery, because I haven't "tried everything" (she actually made the little finger parenthesis signs) so I'm arguing with my insurance company."

This is not made up, she was talking about diabetes meds and bariatric surgery. Everything was the doctors fault and the insurance company's fault, no one would approve the surgery, everyone keeps shoving pills in my face. But where is the personal responsibility? Oh, yeah, back at the beginning of the blog---"You see, you see! Everyone has issues, everyone, see, I told you everyone is screwed up." No longer is this woman asked to be responsible as she has bought into the notion that we are all screwed up, all taken advantage of and with that knowledge she lives her life demanding to be taken care of despite her actions, because after all we are all screwed up. No one is able to control their diabetes, no one can control their appetite, no one can control their porn addiction, alcohol use etc.

This mentality is what keeps people stuck in their wounds as well. I hear countless times, "well, my life wasn't as bad as the next guys". Well then who is that poor guy at the end of the line whose life was THE WORST life? Seriously? Where is that line drawn where woundedness and "issues" are bad enough to actually do something about them? We are all called to let our stories be true (God is truth, he wants us to live there too). This means that we are not supposed to allow our issues to remain just because other people have them too. Our issues are invitations from God to see Him move in places that feel hopeless and out of control. Everyone does have issues because we live in a fallen world where everyone has been wounded. And, thankfully, everyone has the invite from our Father to allow Him to meet you in those wounded places...He waits in the messy parts of our hearts, go seek Him there. Surgery, alcohol, sex, porn, etc might not be your answer after-all.

Brokenness

Isaiah 6:5 tells of Isaiah's commission as a prophet. "Woe is me for I am undone..." The literal translation? Destroyed unto ceasing. Sit with that one for a minute. The thought behind this statement is "obliterated" or taken "molecule from molecule". Isaiah experiences absolute brokenness BEFORE God calls him to be a prophet. I once heard a comment that "God can't use a man until He has hurt that man deeply." This sounds harsh but some of the most amazing people I know, that live from deep places in their hearts, all experienced trauma. I talked with a counselor once that told me the thing he offers his clients is his story of having a perfect childhood. He said that he had great parents, a wonderful childhood and that he had never experienced loss or pain before in his life.?.?.? Seriously?

What is he offering his clients? I firmly believe that we are not able to take people to places that we haven't been ourselves. Deep calls to deep. If you haven't found those deep places you will find yourself calling others to be comforted, to be "okay", to "not worry" or just to "pray". These things do not help others who are suffering find Him in the midst of suffering. Moses had a tremendous amount of loss and pain in his story. Hosea, called to love a woman who would leave him for others (plural), loss and pain. Job experienced incredible loss and pain. Paul? There are many, many examples, not to mention Jesus' story. Without suffering we will look for many other things to bring our hearts to rest, other than God. Until I was hurt deeply I was incapable of living from the deep. I ran doggedly after the things that gave me temporary relief and allowed me to take a breath, but these things NEVER brought my heart to rest and certainly did not invite others to Life.

Let me quickly explain "Without suffering we will look for many other things to bring our hearts to rest..." Prayer, reading scripture, going to small groups, church, whiskey, sex, TV, "Jesus", family, food...all things that can be used as a "talisman" to produce in us "rest". If you haven't experienced the suffering in your story (and it is in everyone's story) then you probably offer and demand some of the list above to bring your heart or their heart to rest. But this is a fake rest, denial even. Praying more so that I can be at peace while denying the truth of my suffering, I'm not sure God is going to show up there! Does this make sense to you? Ritualistic things that look "Christian" do not help us FIND HIM in the midst of our suffering, only allowing our stories to be true and then grieving that suffering will allow us to find Him in those deeper places. If I find my son dead in his bed, I do hope that the best that is offered to me isn't "I'll pray for you", this doesn't call to deep. If my wife dies in a car accident, I hope what is offered isn't "Well, she's in Heaven now". These things do not speak to those deeply affected places in our hearts!

Without experiencing brokenness I believe that we are not capable of doing work for Him in the deep. So many stories in the bible are about a man/woman or people being taken beyond their ability to survive and deal with things. This is where all is stripped away and the only answer you have left is "He is with me, He is with me." An unexplainable place becomes your mantra and when others present to you with trauma/loss/pain, you begin to naturally lead them there..."He is with you." But this is not coming from a place to take away anything it is a place to speak what is true IN THE MIDST of the suffering, not a magical phrase to take away suffering! In each of our stories is loss. My friend the counselor, who believes his story was perfect, hasn't looked with open eyes. Our stories all have loss, we live in a depraved world with fallen people and we all started out as defenseless little children. Find the suffering in your story, find the deep, find the brokenness...it will always lead to Him and a way to walk with others that calls them to the same freedom you'll find, grace in your brokenness.

Power over Jesus?

John 19:11 Jesus answered (Pilate) "You would have no power over me if it were not given to you from above. Therefore the one who handed me over to you is guilty of a greater sin."

Here is one of those scripture verses that seem to hide from lots of people. When I read it today I stopped and re-read and re-read and re-read. Power over Jesus. In fact, looking at the second sentence is even more difficult to understand. "The one who handed me over" is talking about Caiaphas, who maliciously tried and handed Jesus over to be crucified. Both of these men had power over Jesus. Think about that one for a moment. Jesus chose to come into this world powerless in the form of a baby. He chose to walk among those who hated Him with only love and truth to offer. And at some point chose to give Himself over to those who would have power over Him.

This is one of the most difficult things that we are all invited to live out. Powerlessness in the face of those who would harm us. As we become more like Christ we are invited to experience things in our lives that would allow us to understand Him more. The loneliness of the Garden of Gethsemane, the betrayal of Judas, the angst of His impending crucifixion, the rejection when the crowd chose a murderer, all invitations for us to understand Him more. But powerlessness is something that most of us fight rabidly against, this like almost nothing else, feels like Death when we experience it. But Jesus walked towards this part of His story knowing that these two men (and crowds of others) would call for His blood and did so to bring life to others.

We are so "rights" oriented, so entitled to what we have, who we are and what we think that we recoil at the thought of allowing others to have a say in our lives, especially when it comes from a place of harm. It happens at work, in our homes, at our churches, people who would take from you without regard to how it affects your life. Most of us feel this internal desire to do one of two things. One direction is to get bigger than the other person, yell louder, be more angry, FIGHT! The other direction is to shrink away with no voice with our head in the sand. Jesus chose something altogether different. He spoke what was true and allowed the actions of others to affect Him deeply. It was a precursor to His cross experience. As He walked those last days Jesus must have felt profoundly alone, felt great amounts of loss and pain, and did it all to bring life to the very people who murdered Him.

The very thing that we think makes us look weak or gets us taken advantage of, is the very thing that none of us can do on our own. It is far too difficult. Remember this the next time you feel powerless and feel the urge to cling onto what is "your right" or "your voice". Allowing what others do to you to affect your heart as you speak truth to them won't make you feel vindicated or powerful. It might feel like death. It may look useless. It might also invite others to what is Life, a powerless life through Jesus.

Earning Trust???

Many couples come to my office with one or both spouses demanding that the other earn back lost trust. And on the outside this seems like an okay request. "Trust" was broken, anyone would want to be reassured that "it" will never happen again right? After-all, if we were to "trust" too soon we would look like a fool right? If we were to tell our friends or family that we put our "trust" back into this person who harmed us, we would look stupid, right? And what if we put our "trust" back in our spouse and they looked at pornography again? Called that man again? Bought things we didn't know about again? What if that happened?

Let me just say that I have never met a person, professionally or otherwise, that has earned back lost trust. It is impossible. Which makes one wonder, is trust in another human possible and if it is, can it really ever be earned back? I don't think trust is something that you can earn but rather something that a person gives you, period. Trust isn't a commodity being traded for something in return, trust is something given away freely. Although this is not true if your definition of trust is about self protection and control. You see, most of us have been wounded and I think our version of trust is little more than a self protective mechanism to keep people under our control. When we are asked to "Trust in Him", I dare say the Bible isn't asking for us to control God and have Him earn it. It isn't about safe, God certainly isn't safe by our standards, trust is about......well, its about what Jesus did when He came as a baby into our dangerous world.

Jesus' whole life was lived among people who were ultimately His enemy. Jesus moved among a people who hated Him and found Him dangerous. In fact, Jesus walked intimately with Judas, sharing His meals, His teachings, His love. All of that for the man who would betray Christ with a kiss. The feeling of betrayal is one of the most painful things a human can go through, which is tied directly to a breach of what we call trust. Jesus positioned Himself in the middle of a story where betrayal was guaranteed. Look at the reactions of Jesus and Peter in the garden, Jesus recieves the kiss, Peter starts hacking away. One recieves the betrayal, one fights against it.

Most of us would think Jesus foolish by the way we treat trust. For us it is a guard against pain. Jesus did it differently, He trusted in a God to be there for Him in the end. Notice God didn't show up for Jesus until AFTER the painful loss He experienced on the cross and at the hands of those who would betray Him. Jesus' Love for them did not stop the betrayal, and neither did God.

We do this to our spouses, our friends and anyone else in our community who would cross our trust. "Prove it to me", knowing full well they can never do this. Ours is a strategy to stay away from pain, Jesus' was to surround Himself with the assurance of it. In a fallen world it is inevitable, but Romans 8:28 says that He will work all things for our good. Problem is we have to give up this illusion of control and self-protection under the guise of "trust". We were called to Love others, self-protection is Anti-Love.

Jesus said to Judas, "Go and do what you must do", knowing the betrayal that was likely to kill Him. Approach relationships as Christ did and "trust" will no longer be a part of your vocabulary. We can't ensure that others will not hurt us, but we can trust that pain in the midst of fallen relationships will cause us to understand Christ more (sanctification). The betrayal Christ experienced is much the same as what we experience in relationships. To be like Christ is to understand that we can't control others or protect ourselves, but we can live out our calling to Love others deeply despite all of this. God likely will show but more than likely AFTER the betrayal. . .this is the only way you can become more like Jesus, to understand Him in His betrayal.

Enjoy the Birds

The same God we try to make so predictable is the same God who chose to do very strange things in the OT. If you read the story of Elijah, God chooses to provide food for him through the use of ravens. Ravens. Birds who eat dead things, birds who scavenge for food, you know, the same birds that would have been FORBIDDEN by the law to touch or a Jewish person would become unclean. That bird...a raven. This was God's choice in taking care of His prophet in the wilderness. Can you imagine what Elijah was thinking? A servant doing God's work as a Prophet is coming in contact with an unclean bird, continuously. I'm not sure it was so easy for him to eat the bread that these birds were bringing. It would have only been more strange if the ravens were bringing little bits of pork for him to eat!

What is God thinking? This would have been really disturbing for Elijah in the midst of an already disturbing story line. Being a prophet was a very difficult position, especially when the message was about judgement. Elijah spent an undisclosed amount of time in Kerith Ravine where the Bible says that he was fed bread and meat in the morning and in the evening. BY RAVENS! Days and days or weeks of this happening over and over again. I would think at some point Elijah might have cringed at the sound of flapping wings.

At times our stories are like Elijah's story. Filled with fragments of wounds, loss, pain and confusion, it can be very disturbing the way God might help us through these hard parts of our stories. In fact, it can be disturbing to think that God allows pain into our lives in order to call us to the deeper places He has for us. The problem is, just like Elijah, many of us are called to walk into these places alone. It seems as we move towards the painful parts of our stories we are surrounded by others who seem to not get it. People live the whole lives seemingly undisturbed about their stories and undisturbed by what they are being called to live out. But others have lives who are wrought with painful memories and an invitation from Him to walk into those places.

An example is that many of my clients have lived through trauma. As I walk with these amazing people who have survived trauma, one thing is very clear. To allow their story to be true is hard, to allow someone to walk with them into that story, very hard. But to allow someone to really love them in the midst of their traumatic stories, nearly impossible. Coming out of a traumatic environment many of these courageous people have survived believing that they were deserving of the abuse and unlovable. And this is the very thing that God uses to breath life back into their lives, love. To truly allow someone to love them feels disturbing to their hearts, much like eating unclean meat from an unclean bird must have felt to Elijah. God continually looks to provide for us in ways that cause our hearts to be disturbed. And only through those disturbing ways are we able to only say "this has GOT to be God".

Is God feeding you with ravens? Enjoy the birds my friend, enjoy the birds!

False Destinations

God has called all of us to a story, written out over the years from our birth to our present. He has invited us to allow this story to be true, without edit on our own, without our power of revision, it is simply to be true. Our birth place, parents, friends and influences all play a role in who we become, damage that is done and how well we love others. All of our story is true whether we want it to be or not. It is the process of living and sanctification that we are supposed to be enjoying and satisfied with, not the false destinations that we find ourselves so attracted towards. The end of our lives is the "golden ring", the prize we are all striving towards, but until then, He invited us to experience freedom, joy, grace, love, faith, to be known by others and to be loved and to give love well. That takes time and intention on our parts. To enjoy the story unfolding in your life you must let it be true.

Most of our destinations, these false destinations, revolved around us. Our accomplishments, our jobs, promotions, money, getting a ministry in place, moving to a new city to start a new life, school, whatever we are doing, all false destinations. This is why I say these things: No destination here will ever satisfy us. We were not created to be satisfied in a place that is not home. This world and nothing in it will quiet the place in our hearts that says "I'm not home yet." But we go about our lives accumulating stories that we look back to and somewhat sadly speak to all of these places where something ended, but little of our time is spent telling others about what it was like while we were "in it".

I love road trips. The best "lost" art of American families is the long road trip. Put me in a car for 12 hours traveling to the mountains, give me a bag of twizzlers, a greasy spoon along the way, I'm happy. But it is rarely the conversations that we have on the way that we speak of later. I think we are missing something here. By straining towards these false destinations we are all missing out on the process. In what God calls life are moments along the way to pause and remember. And this is not necessarily the ending place. Many people who go through stressful events often talk about the ending, where God came through, but what about the middle where He sat with us when no one else would? What about the middle where He showed us our hearts and transformed us? What about these "unfinished" places?

I invite you to take a look at your life, where have you been? What did you miss along the way by straining towards the destination? A few years ago my wife and I were so busy moving towards school in Seattle that we missed months of time to catch up with friends in Dallas. We didn't realize it until they all showed for the "farewell" party. I would like to think that woke me up, but I think it is still far easier to get caught up in stretching for home rather than sitting in the middle. The middle is that place where loss and pain often live. We are so good at editing out pain from our stories that our lives rarely look like anything that needed redemption. But isn't that the point, that we did? Destination focused lives take away the need to show why we find ourselves where we do, story doesn't matter, only the end. Stephen King never starts a book with an ending in mind, he allows the story to take him there, and so should we.

Spinning Wildly

In the Old Testament book of Zephaniah our Father is painted in a very strange brush stroke. In Chapter 3 verse 17 God is said to be “rejoicing over you with singing.” If you look at the Hebrew word Giyl our translation has left much to be desired. The literal translation of Giyl is “to spin around violently with emotion (usually joy)” Our view of God is always justified when thinking of him in Majesty, in Awe and Holiness. We see Him as Rock, Fortress, Father, Redeemer and many other things. But Spinning Wildly? The picture I get in my head is that of a little kid spinning in a field looking up at the sky. Dizziness, giddiness, child-likeness? These are not things associated with God in my mind. Frankly it is hard to get to this place in my mind much less my heart. I just don’t get it. Most of us find it hard to truly take a compliment. “Good job” often is met with a look towards the ground more than met with gaze. “Wow that is a really beautiful painting” is just as likely to be replied to with “well, it’s just...” Most of us, if pushed, would admit that we feel awkward being the center of attention at our own birthday party. So how are we to feel comfortable with a Holy God who would be so excited about our existence in this world?

This view of our Holy God really causes me to wrestle with the pain, loss and brokenness that accompanies most of our stories. It is simply confusing. This particular scripture is speaking to Israel coming out of a period of trial, not a period of blessing and growth. And He is spinning wildly? Excited beyond just mere words? Giddy about the terrible trial that they just came through? So admittedly it takes a rabbit trail for one to make sense out of all of this. We were created to become more and more like Christ and I believe for this to happen we must endure things that bring glory to our Father. Our stories are often as tumultuous as that of Israel and I don’t think this is an accident. Our lives, our stories, our hearts were designed to call others to find Rest in the One who would love us the most. The problem with this is that we tend to edit out pain, loss and suffering from our stories. Our stories become mundane narratives that are in no need of a God who rescues or redeems much less of a God who would spin wildly over our coming through trials transformed.

This blog series will continue over several months as I explore this idea of our God who is violently spinning with joy OVER YOU. I hope that as you read the upcoming blogs that you will feel invited to wrestle with a God who not only allows suffering in our stories, but rejoices over our coming through those dark places.

To Invite Others to Life We Must. . .

In 1st Peter 3:18-20 I stumbled upon something that struck me as odd. One reason is that I do not recall ever reading this particular story about Jesus dying and preaching to imprisoned spirits. The second is that as I walk through the life that the Father has given me, I know that I am called to become more and more like Christ, which makes me wonder how this fits in to that process. In this text we see Jesus dying on the cross and preaching to spirits in prison. Now this passage has been thought of as one of the most difficult passages to understand in the Bible so I will try to tread lightly here. The purpose of this entry is only to say that it appears that as Christ moved towards death he invited others to life. The reason I believe that his sermon was one of life is that He came and died to do the same for all of us, to give us life, I am assuming that He was doing the same here.

So how does that apply to us? First you must understand what moving towards death means. I’m not speaking of a literal death but a figurative one. A quick example is an angry man needs to feel powerful because to feel small and powerless is too painful or disturbing. To move towards being powerless would be to move towards that which feels like death. We all have our own personal death which we avoid at all costs, however, when we do this we ALWAYS miss the opportunity to invite others to life. A meek wife who will not confront her husband about his pornography addiction is avoiding this because to do so would feel like death to her. Her fear is that he would be angry, reject her or not care enough to stop. So, she never invites him to life.

What is true is that she would find that having a voice to say something would actually become life after she entered into that scary place. Christ would be there for her. And her husband’s heart would be stirred, would become intrigued as she fought for him. Whether or not he stopped isn’t the issue, the wife moved towards death and found life, and she would be inviting her husband (to stop his addiction) to do the same, move towards death and find life.

Christ, Shame and the Woman at the Well

Many clients who find there way to a Biblical or Christian counseling center come carrying the terrible wounds of sexual based trauma. Statistics say that 1 in every 4 females has likely been or are currently being sexual abused. It is an evil that turns a little child’s heart into a chaotic mess of pain, ambivalence and shame, all of which keeps most of them silent. In their little hearts these children internalize things that happen as if they wished it or wanted it to happen. If you think of any normal three year old and how they think, you can begin to see how abuse damages a child beyond the physical. A three year old wants a certain toy for a birthday or Christmas, and viola, it shows up on their birthday, they make a choice at McDonald’s and bang, there is a cheeseburger waiting for them. And when an adult takes advantage of the innocence of a child, the child believes that they wanted it to happen. What they don’t understand is that they are incapable of choosing to get the oil changed in a car, repairing a transmission, taking care of a checkbook, nor capable of making sexual choices. The message that becomes their heart image is likely something like the Samaritan woman at the well, I’m dirty.

I eventually assign the story of the woman at the well to all of my trauma clients. The Samaritan woman who came to the well, did so in the early afternoon so as not to be seen by the other women of the area (probably because of her sexual identity as an adulterous). When Jesus asked this woman for a drink she responded, “You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan, how can you ask me for a drink?” What she was actually saying is “You are a Jew and I’m unclean, if you drink from my jar you will become dirty.” As you follow the story, each time she responds it is somewhat combative giving Christ the invitation to back off. Jesus however continues to move towards her heart to invite her closer, this dirty woman, invited closer.

Each exchange she dismisses Him, but Jesus allows her to see He does know her and also invites her to know Him. This dirty woman, dirty on ceremonial levels and in her heart, has her heart pursued by the purist man who walked the earth. So interested in allowing her to know HIm, He allowed her to be a part of the only occasion before His trial where He stated clearly that He was the Messiah (I, who speak to you, am He.) He wanted her to know Him, which must have radically disturbed this woman’s heart. A sinner with five husbands and a lover, invited to personally know Him, no strings attached.

It’s interesting to me that this woman, who had probably lived a lifetime trying to quench her physical body in many ways, arrived in secret to do so again. And after meeting a Christ who would see her with Grace left the well more thirsty than ever before, causing her to run back to her town and bring others to see this Jesus. She was no longer in hiding and oddly, aware of a thirst in her that would never be quenched here on Earth. And she was excited about it. One truth filled encounter with someone who would want to know her, lover her, to invite her to greater things, took away the power of shame in her heart. To be a counselor who can do these very things is the most important thing I have to offer my clients because it points them to the One who would love them the most.

Slave of Another Profession

In the counseling world there is pressure to “get ‘em in and get ‘em out” from the clients, insurance companies and even many state licensing boards. The idea that counselors should use a method called “cognitive behavioral therapy” is preached by many in the profession. CBT boiled down is finding your faulty thinking and changing it to right thinking. However this never deals with the underlying heart issues present in all of us. The mind is wholly separate from the created heart inside of each of us. We can’t simply think differently and have that lead to heart transformation. I was told by a counselor once that when I felt my anger rising up I should leave the room, go to the kitchen, grab a container of ice, go to the shower, pull the curtain and throw ice cubes at the wall until I didn’t feel angry any more. Just writing that sentence took effort much less actually doing this while angry. What in this set of instructions was going to transform my heart?

In counseling there is a pull in the therapist to give an answer, to make something okay or to give tools to help ease the suffering of others. But tools are nothing more than giving a slave another profession. In the OT, the Jewish workers of Pharaoh would normally have one job to complete all day. Picking up straw to make bricks, creating bricks, moving bricks, stacking bricks, distributing water, food, organizing tools, everyone had a particular job, much like at a modern construction site. Giving someone a tool to control their anger, or a filter to stop pornography use, or accountability so that they never drink again is okay temporarily, but long term this is trading in a wheat sickle for a brick makers form. This is only a slave of one trade being told to be a slave of another. This might be more functional, it might alleviate acute issues or pain, but internally this person will always be angry, struggle with porn, or with addiction.

Christ did not call us to be slaves but to be free. I believe the only way to be free is to allow pain to be true in our lives, because there is a purpose for it. Pain is not there so we can manage it but so He can use it to transform us to free people, free from our woundedness. I can’t imagine Jesus stating to the Pharisees, quit being so strict with your rules and become like the Sadducees. It would be a change in thinking for the Pharisee, to become liberal like the Sadducees, but were the Sadducees free? No. They were just slaves of another profession. Jesus called each person to deeper places, to hard truths that were given from Love, where shame had no place but Hope did. When Christ interacted with others there was always a movement towards brokenness. Look at Peter after he denied Christ three times...that was a truly broken man, transformed from the angry man he was.

He Waits On The Trash Heap

“When Jesus found me on the trash heap, I quickly cleaned myself up and left Him waiting for me to come back and let Him do it.” - - - Elder Son

“When Jesus found me on the trash heap, I told Him, get your grimy paws off of me, I will sit here and you can figure out how to accept me dirty, or not at all” - - - - Prodigal Son

We are inundated today with so many different looks to our churches that it is sometimes dizzying to figure out who believes what and why. But often when we go to a church we are confused, or at least I am confused, did we just see Jesus or not? In the pews of churches across America are people who are supposed to be Image Bearers of the Christ they serve, but often we look like someone wholly different than Him. We are either dressed in a tuxedo with not a hair out of place or we are in our PJ’s scratching our butts during the service! Either way, there is a message that is sent loud and clear. Be a Pharisee or be a Sadducee.

Today’s churches are really in a challenging place as the options for finding a church continue to explode in America. The offerings range from fundamentalist to extremely liberal and everything in between. The problem for today’s church is to be somewhere in the middle. It seems to escape most of us that Jesus held to dogmatic knowledge of the law in a grace-filled and loving way. He offered both. Truth with a capital T, he wasn’t a post-modernist...he also loved people most of us wouldn’t associate with. There are many churches in America today that seem to be on one pole or the other, but wasn’t the church supposed to be an offering of the absent Christ?

It seems we are usually telling half the story....

The Reality of Marriage

“Our marriages are supposed to draw us into depths that far exceed our ability to love, so that He can teach us how.”

Part of what I do in marital or even premarital counseling is ask the simple question “Why did you or are you getting married?” I get out my trusty white board with my red (much more dramatic than the lime green or the festive blue) marker and begin to copy down their answers. It is sad but I think I could just leave the answers up on the board for the next couple I do this exercise with, it is always the same. The couple usually smiles, looks at each other and begins to confidently yet at the same time nervously spew their answers. I guess most people who are sitting in a counselor’s office are somewhat reluctant to believe when a question is asked that their answer is ever going to suffice...but I digress. “Love, Kids, we enjoy each other, we are compatible, we pray together, we are close, we want to be married, we love to travel, we want a house, financial, God TOLD us (hard to argue with that), not to be alone, things in common, sex etc.”

The problem with all of these listed, not one of them has anything to do with the deeper reality of marriage. The union between a man and a woman really is supposed to push our limits of self, our ability to love and certainly shows our sinful old nature is still in charge. It shows our woundedness and our greediness to get what we never “got” (purposed bad grammar is okay right?). It is intended to be a picture of Christ and the church, or rather a picture of what Christ did on the cross for us....He died, alone, in front of others who weren’t dying. To have a great marriage you need a heart the size of a cantaloupe, but we were only given a heart the size of a plum. To do marriage well, He must make up the difference. This difference is and always will be beyond our depth to love, forgive or care for another. Without Him, we fall short.

In 1 John 4:19 the Bible states that “We love because He first loved us”. We are being taught continually how to love by the Father. Much of what Jesus taught the apostles in Mark chapters 6 through 9 can be considered pointing them to their hearts, or how to love others, and this was early on in their time together. The problem with how most people approach marriage is that they think they love well already, or that their love IS ENOUGH to keep the marriage together. This will never be, marriage was God’s institution to point us all back towards our need for Him and our need for Him to guide us to give grace, to invite our spouse to Truth, and to, in the end, Love.

Pornography-the most common drug known to man

I was at a friend’s house today and was typing in “twitter”, soon I found things pulling up in the search bar that I can’t put here. There is item after item in his history that point to one thing, pornography. Statistically there is a large percentage of woman (28%, 2003 stat) are using pornography and 70% of all men polled admitted to pornography use at least occasionally. The average age of internet exposure to pornography was 11. Why is this so rampant? I believe like no other time in history there is an underlying invitation to destroy and have contempt (hate) for God’s images. We are all image bearers of Christ whether we are saved or not. We are all ambassadors to the King, we are His pinnacle creation, we are His face.

Pornography is an assault on His creation, a using of His most prized possession for the most basic self gratification. Intimacy out the window, mutual pleasure out the window, anything we were designed to do---out the window. Not only do we not want to be known by the person in the picture, but we certainly do not want to know the person either. We don’t want to know their stories, it might be too painful, was there sexual abuse? Rape? Are they homeless or kidnapped? These stories are more true of pornography workers than you would like think. We were designed to be known and want to deeply know others, as well as God. Pornography is an extreme twisting of this design. Our bodies, other people’s bodies were designed to be valued, are worthy, were intended for intimacy and care, not lusting over and masturbation. Just because we see another person’s naked body during an act doesn’t mean we know them, it merely means that we are using them.

Sit with an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse and ask them their story, it will take some of the allure out of pornography. The stories (which I will not go into here) contain things most don’t want to believe happens, much less with regularity. The punishment of the human body through sex, whether it is through taking pictures, videos or brutal means, IS NOT OKAY! There is one Truth here, there is no room for a post-modern view...pornography is damaging to everyone involved, whether they chose to be or were exposed accidentally as an 11 year old boy or a 5 year old girl. China’s powdered milk contamination harmed everyone involved, the manufacturers, the families, the children....HIV harms everyone involved, the patient, the healthcare system, the families...everyone. Pornography is just like any tragedy on a large scale, harm isn’t isolated to the addicted or reluctant user, it is everyone involved.

I hope that this Truth disturbs your heart, makes you wrestle with Him and even makes you angry...for the benign reaction and mundane way we talk and approach this subject is a tragedy for all involved.