Earning Trust???

Many couples come to my office with one or both spouses demanding that the other earn back lost trust. And on the outside this seems like an okay request. "Trust" was broken, anyone would want to be reassured that "it" will never happen again right? After-all, if we were to "trust" too soon we would look like a fool right? If we were to tell our friends or family that we put our "trust" back into this person who harmed us, we would look stupid, right? And what if we put our "trust" back in our spouse and they looked at pornography again? Called that man again? Bought things we didn't know about again? What if that happened?

Let me just say that I have never met a person, professionally or otherwise, that has earned back lost trust. It is impossible. Which makes one wonder, is trust in another human possible and if it is, can it really ever be earned back? I don't think trust is something that you can earn but rather something that a person gives you, period. Trust isn't a commodity being traded for something in return, trust is something given away freely. Although this is not true if your definition of trust is about self protection and control. You see, most of us have been wounded and I think our version of trust is little more than a self protective mechanism to keep people under our control. When we are asked to "Trust in Him", I dare say the Bible isn't asking for us to control God and have Him earn it. It isn't about safe, God certainly isn't safe by our standards, trust is about......well, its about what Jesus did when He came as a baby into our dangerous world.

Jesus' whole life was lived among people who were ultimately His enemy. Jesus moved among a people who hated Him and found Him dangerous. In fact, Jesus walked intimately with Judas, sharing His meals, His teachings, His love. All of that for the man who would betray Christ with a kiss. The feeling of betrayal is one of the most painful things a human can go through, which is tied directly to a breach of what we call trust. Jesus positioned Himself in the middle of a story where betrayal was guaranteed. Look at the reactions of Jesus and Peter in the garden, Jesus recieves the kiss, Peter starts hacking away. One recieves the betrayal, one fights against it.

Most of us would think Jesus foolish by the way we treat trust. For us it is a guard against pain. Jesus did it differently, He trusted in a God to be there for Him in the end. Notice God didn't show up for Jesus until AFTER the painful loss He experienced on the cross and at the hands of those who would betray Him. Jesus' Love for them did not stop the betrayal, and neither did God.

We do this to our spouses, our friends and anyone else in our community who would cross our trust. "Prove it to me", knowing full well they can never do this. Ours is a strategy to stay away from pain, Jesus' was to surround Himself with the assurance of it. In a fallen world it is inevitable, but Romans 8:28 says that He will work all things for our good. Problem is we have to give up this illusion of control and self-protection under the guise of "trust". We were called to Love others, self-protection is Anti-Love.

Jesus said to Judas, "Go and do what you must do", knowing the betrayal that was likely to kill Him. Approach relationships as Christ did and "trust" will no longer be a part of your vocabulary. We can't ensure that others will not hurt us, but we can trust that pain in the midst of fallen relationships will cause us to understand Christ more (sanctification). The betrayal Christ experienced is much the same as what we experience in relationships. To be like Christ is to understand that we can't control others or protect ourselves, but we can live out our calling to Love others deeply despite all of this. God likely will show but more than likely AFTER the betrayal. . .this is the only way you can become more like Jesus, to understand Him in His betrayal.