The Reality of Marriage

“Our marriages are supposed to draw us into depths that far exceed our ability to love, so that He can teach us how.”

Part of what I do in marital or even premarital counseling is ask the simple question “Why did you or are you getting married?” I get out my trusty white board with my red (much more dramatic than the lime green or the festive blue) marker and begin to copy down their answers. It is sad but I think I could just leave the answers up on the board for the next couple I do this exercise with, it is always the same. The couple usually smiles, looks at each other and begins to confidently yet at the same time nervously spew their answers. I guess most people who are sitting in a counselor’s office are somewhat reluctant to believe when a question is asked that their answer is ever going to suffice...but I digress. “Love, Kids, we enjoy each other, we are compatible, we pray together, we are close, we want to be married, we love to travel, we want a house, financial, God TOLD us (hard to argue with that), not to be alone, things in common, sex etc.”

The problem with all of these listed, not one of them has anything to do with the deeper reality of marriage. The union between a man and a woman really is supposed to push our limits of self, our ability to love and certainly shows our sinful old nature is still in charge. It shows our woundedness and our greediness to get what we never “got” (purposed bad grammar is okay right?). It is intended to be a picture of Christ and the church, or rather a picture of what Christ did on the cross for us....He died, alone, in front of others who weren’t dying. To have a great marriage you need a heart the size of a cantaloupe, but we were only given a heart the size of a plum. To do marriage well, He must make up the difference. This difference is and always will be beyond our depth to love, forgive or care for another. Without Him, we fall short.

In 1 John 4:19 the Bible states that “We love because He first loved us”. We are being taught continually how to love by the Father. Much of what Jesus taught the apostles in Mark chapters 6 through 9 can be considered pointing them to their hearts, or how to love others, and this was early on in their time together. The problem with how most people approach marriage is that they think they love well already, or that their love IS ENOUGH to keep the marriage together. This will never be, marriage was God’s institution to point us all back towards our need for Him and our need for Him to guide us to give grace, to invite our spouse to Truth, and to, in the end, Love.