Peter, angry sheep feeding disciple

Don't you love Peter in the Bible? A passionate man who ran after Jesus every chance he could, angry, messy, argumentative, Peter was a spiritual disaster, but there is something beautiful about it isn't there? Something in Peter made Jesus move towards him time and time again, arguments and all. The same man Jesus said "Get behind me Satan" (gulp) is the same man Jesus asked to feed His sheep. One of the things about Peter that I am so interested in is the fact that he continued to move towards Jesus even when it ended up being one disaster after another. It never stopped him. Even after the denial, Peter ran after Jesus again, but this time humbled in ways we had not seen before. You see this angry man who followed Jesus for his own agenda (to set up the kingdom at that moment in history) was a passionate man, but not a broken man. Until Peter found brokenness his agenda (justice/power) was more important than Jesus' (loving others with our lives).

In Matthew 26 Peter follows Jesus after His arrest in true Peter fashion, right into the courtyard of the High Priest, where the trial of Jesus would take place. He walked right into the vipers den! I could see Peter sitting there, I would love to think it was in the middle of them all, waiting to see what would happen. It is not until Jesus begins to live out His most painful story that we see Peter begin to question his own ability and desire to be a part of it. In fact, what we see is Peter begins to leave after he is accused of being a disciple. The very point where he could have chosen to be with Jesus in the midst of all that suffering, he chooses to run. He first moves from the courtyard, into a gateway, where he is torn between leaving the story unfolding before him and staying with Jesus.

It is at this place that we all find ourselves today, outside the gateway, looking in. In us, much like in Peter, is a heart that is pulled in two directions at the same time. “I do not want a story where pain and suffering is a part, but at the same time, I am drawn into this very place because deeply I know it is a place of freedom, healing and life.” For most of us, the pain of loss and broken relationships is far too much to endure on our own. So we choose to stand outside of the gateway, denying our real story just as Peter did. Here is the problem, Jesus always shows up later, just as He did for Peter, to ask us to take care of His sheep. He understands that suffering and loss in our stories allows us to "feed His sheep" in ways that calls others to their wounds and ultimately freedom. This is where God lives right? In the Truth of our stories waiting for you to allow Him to be glorified by His plan of redemption in your life. And at this He is gently relentless in His pursuit of our healing and redemption, even if we continue to deny what is true about our hearts.

Allow your story to be true and find Him in it, this will always lead you to pouring into others. To feed His sheep you need to have something to offer them, from deeper places within yourself. You can't lead others to suffering (or sit with them in it) if you haven't been there yourself. Your default will always be to tell them things to take away their pain, but this is not for you to do, but only Him. Accept what is true of your story, find brokenness as Peter did and then you will see that what you have to offer will come from different places in your heart.