Serving without PASSION or Passion without serving

I keep showing up at White Rock Lake in Dallas early on Saturday mornings. I do this to jog my long runs as I train for my marathon. In Texas its a good idea to begin a long jog before the sun comes up because of the heat. Early means 5:45 or 6:00 am. It seems I can't leave the house until 6:00. I think its my laziness, or maybe its that my wife is soft and warm and my pillows are fluffy. I tend to show up at the lake after normal people who are training for a marathon (if there is in fact a normal person training for a marathon) are finished. I show up apparently when every model, trainer, professional athlete, and pretty person with a six pack (and not the good kind but the stomach kind) has shown up to run around the lake. It strangely seems that I am the most unattractive and most un-athletic person out there.

These people, if you can call them people, run at sub 7 minute miles, whole blobs of them, huge groups of super jogging people whose bodies look like they purchased them out of a magazine. Sub 7 minute miles, over long distances, more than 10 miles. When I first went out there I tried to keep up with them and learned quickly this will never happen. It looks like we are doing the same thing but really, i mean really, we are not. Its obvious to me that even though our stride looks similar and our pace looks similar, they are doing something I can't, but it looks the same. Well, the mechanics look the same anyway. I plod along at my 9:30 second pace over the 10 miles and come in sweating and woozy. Woozy isn't in their vocabulary. I carry water on a belt and carbohydrate goo to keep me going, I think many of them could do this whole thing while smoking and eating a turkey sandwhich. It just doesn't seem fair.

So where am I going with this? Its not about my average looks and my average jogging ability. Its about people who are passionate about things being able to live that out. If these passionate runners want to run a marathon in less than 3 hours, man they should be encouraged to do so. Why would I tell them (if I could) they should really walk instead? Or that I should tell them to stop running and pick up leaves? Should I ask them to ride skate boards instead? Are you still reading? I'm surprised, but I'm getting there quickly. Why then do churches put such constraints on the people who are in their congregation? Often churches preach about service but really just want people to greet new members in the parking lot or serve in children's classes. Great, if that is what you want to do, or if that is what you do in connection with other things you are passionate about. But, this isn't the case, often the passion you have to serve is squelched.

There are current churches who have this stigma, if you aren't a seminary student or graduate then you can't teach. You certainly can't lead marriage, men's or women's retreats, nor can you teach on Sunday. But, if I were so inclined, I could greet people at the door. I could setup tables during special events. I could even, hold your breath, clean up after Wednesday dinner. Look, I'm not suggesting that I won't and shouldn't be asked to do these things, but to be given these in exclusivity of my giftings? I think there is a control freak mentality that doesn't smell like the gospel to me. It doesn't look like Jesus. Peter was a DISASTER, but Jesus continually moved into his life and asked him to do things. Churches need to wake up, encourage their members to find something they are passionate about and partner with them. This is why our churches ARE DYING! We are choking our congregations to death, many of us sit in the pews slightly more aroused than passed out every Sunday. Wake up churches, your pews are full of people who are brilliantly moved to do brilliant things in the name of God.

I know a woman on twitter who has an amazing story of physical loss and a story of how God moved into that to give her a different view of life. She HAS A STORY to tell and it is full of hope! I asked her what she does to serve at church (thinking it is a forgone conclusion) and she floored me when she said "My church never lets me serve in ways I want, I've been told I can teach a ladies small group, but never in ways I would love to serve." Really?!?!?! Why? Who says that she needs to serve in some small group with some prescribed book with a prescribed set of questions with a prescribed outcome of answers? Why is this her church fate? She has a story to tell, one of depth, suffering, loss, pain, and REDEMPTION! So the very community that is to help her live out what God has for her chokes the spiritual life right out of her. Let her run a marathon in under 3 hours (spiritually speaking)! God might ACTUALLY begin to move in your churches if you do!

Healing through pain

Hosea 6:1 "He (God) has TORN US so that He may HEAL us."

Our lives are tantamount to one big movement away from pain. Don't believe me? Look at the endless offices dedicated to addiction, AA, NA, CA, drug programs, alcohol program, sexual addiction programs. We have a group here in Dallas called 4th Dimension. 4th Dimension allows anyone addicted to anything to show up and work the 12 steps. I have been told that people show up who are addicted to Carmex. I'm serious. Our movement away from pain however doesn't have to be so outlandish as drug use. Pornography, shopping, TV, working a lot of hours, sports, golf, or just lots of time spent away from people or community, all ways to reduce or numb out pain.

As children we all received wounds, this is true. We were defenseless children who were born into a world that was depraved and twisted. Wounds were inevitable, no matter how amazing our childhood looked. We chose very early on to not allow what wounded us to matter, and in some extreme cases not to exist at all. We have chosen to live out lives in reaction to our woundedness. A man who felt small and powerless all his life will likely become an angry and powerful person. A woman who had no voice might become an over-bearing, powerful woman who profusely spouts her opinions. A little child who was exposed to sexual trauma might make that trauma their treasure and live in promiscuity to prove the original trauma "never hurt". Our movement is seemingly always towards life in our minds, but often times it is actually towards death. A perfect example, a heroine addict will swear the drug feels like life to them, but is actually leading them to death. This happens on many levels in our own lives and hearts. We see things "upside-down". Our vision has been twisted by depravity.

So, what is a God to do with a people who have fully committed to not allowing wounds to affect them? Especially when those wounds have caused all of us to run in a direction in opposition to those wounds? This is not freedom and God is a God of freedom.

About two years ago I had gone into my back gate to get a water hose and unbeknownst to me, a whole gaggle of very large red wasps were waiting. A gaggle of red demon spawned insects who had apparently chosen my back yard as a quaint little gathering place. Soon after I shut the gate they made my lower, shirtless, stretched taut back a quaint little gathering place for their stingers. I immediately felt this burning, stinging, electrocuted type pain shooting through my back. I shot straight up and blindly began running across the yard, right into our swing set. I get back up from the ground, screaming like a little girl, holding my back and aggressively moving towards my poor 140 pound dog. She was frozen in fear, mulling over, I'm sure, her last few moments of actions to determine what she did wrong. I plow over her, hit the ground again, sprain my ankle.

By now the wasps are back on their little quaint nest, feeding their babies and high-fiving each other for the successful wounding of the intruder, emotionally and physically. My anger towards these demon spawned fiends was so intense that I resolved to kill them for what they had done. Wasp spray in hand I charge back into the yard, stand back the 12 feet the can says it will spray, and let loose with all my fury a petroleum based vengeance on these wasps. Who, unlike the directions stated, did not immediately fall to the ground. They swarmed up and around me and I was stung many times again. At this point I felt like a little kid, a stupid little kid, sitting in the yard tending to my wounds. I was so intent on getting vengeance for the pain I had received that I didn't realize something important. My action of killing these wasps would NOT take away the fact that I had been stung and hurt. In fact, my choice to live in opposition to the wasp sting made it all that much worse, many more stings worse. No one could have convinced me that once stung I should have sat in that place calmly. And certainly I couldn't be convinced not to streak across the yard in pain. And not even God could have convinced me that looking for vengeance and a cessation of pain was a bad idea.

At times in our lives God allows pain to become a part of our story. And if you stop there it seems cruel and pointless. It seems that God is a God who just randomly allows terrible things to happen for no reason. He seems so irrational. But that is not the true God that is in the Bible. All things that happen to us He uses for our good, all things. Wasp stings, bad grades, death of a loved one, losing a job, bad marriage, and so on, can all be used to help you find freedom from wounds you tucked away a long time ago. Wounds you have vowed in your heart to not have affected you, not have hurt you, that evil did not win, but in reality pain may have hurt you. Wounds like sexual abuse, physical abuse, family violence, loss of parents when we were children, cold family lives, and a whole host of other painful realities that might have been a part of our childhood. And this is what God is committed to doing for you, to tear you open so that these past wounds can be true. And why would He do that? So that HE may heal you as in Hosea 6:1. To live a life that constantly looks to deny the pain of our past will in turn make you a prisoner of that past the rest of your life. God is passionate about setting you free, even if He has to allow pain in your life to accomplish it.

Peter, angry sheep feeding disciple

Don't you love Peter in the Bible? A passionate man who ran after Jesus every chance he could, angry, messy, argumentative, Peter was a spiritual disaster, but there is something beautiful about it isn't there? Something in Peter made Jesus move towards him time and time again, arguments and all. The same man Jesus said "Get behind me Satan" (gulp) is the same man Jesus asked to feed His sheep. One of the things about Peter that I am so interested in is the fact that he continued to move towards Jesus even when it ended up being one disaster after another. It never stopped him. Even after the denial, Peter ran after Jesus again, but this time humbled in ways we had not seen before. You see this angry man who followed Jesus for his own agenda (to set up the kingdom at that moment in history) was a passionate man, but not a broken man. Until Peter found brokenness his agenda (justice/power) was more important than Jesus' (loving others with our lives).

In Matthew 26 Peter follows Jesus after His arrest in true Peter fashion, right into the courtyard of the High Priest, where the trial of Jesus would take place. He walked right into the vipers den! I could see Peter sitting there, I would love to think it was in the middle of them all, waiting to see what would happen. It is not until Jesus begins to live out His most painful story that we see Peter begin to question his own ability and desire to be a part of it. In fact, what we see is Peter begins to leave after he is accused of being a disciple. The very point where he could have chosen to be with Jesus in the midst of all that suffering, he chooses to run. He first moves from the courtyard, into a gateway, where he is torn between leaving the story unfolding before him and staying with Jesus.

It is at this place that we all find ourselves today, outside the gateway, looking in. In us, much like in Peter, is a heart that is pulled in two directions at the same time. “I do not want a story where pain and suffering is a part, but at the same time, I am drawn into this very place because deeply I know it is a place of freedom, healing and life.” For most of us, the pain of loss and broken relationships is far too much to endure on our own. So we choose to stand outside of the gateway, denying our real story just as Peter did. Here is the problem, Jesus always shows up later, just as He did for Peter, to ask us to take care of His sheep. He understands that suffering and loss in our stories allows us to "feed His sheep" in ways that calls others to their wounds and ultimately freedom. This is where God lives right? In the Truth of our stories waiting for you to allow Him to be glorified by His plan of redemption in your life. And at this He is gently relentless in His pursuit of our healing and redemption, even if we continue to deny what is true about our hearts.

Allow your story to be true and find Him in it, this will always lead you to pouring into others. To feed His sheep you need to have something to offer them, from deeper places within yourself. You can't lead others to suffering (or sit with them in it) if you haven't been there yourself. Your default will always be to tell them things to take away their pain, but this is not for you to do, but only Him. Accept what is true of your story, find brokenness as Peter did and then you will see that what you have to offer will come from different places in your heart.

Surgery at the ice cream store

I was out at lunch today with my son. A woman sitting in Braum's (an ice cream/burger joint in Texas) said something that I think everyone uses to never change. I remember their conversation fading into mine (mine was a conversation about lights, Nate is quite enamored with them) as I fed ice cream to my son. I remember about the time I was thinking "is this ice-cream too hard for him, is he going to choke?" (I'm a new dad okay...) I heard this woman's voice fading into the foreground of my reality. "You see, you see! Everyone has issues, everyone, see, I told you everyone is screwed up." So, as a counselor I was drawn in, not verbally but stealthily as she began to speak about things that no one should and I began to hear things, sadly true, angering and hopeless things.

You see this woman began to tell her friend "that's why I gave up...its no use, no one can get over their issues, so I give up." Now, there is this part of me, a counseling part, that almost blurted out "Here's my card!" But alas, I was staid by a curiosity as to what exactly was this woman's issues and how are we all the same as her? Now Nate, my 1 year old, sat back in his chair pointing at the lights saying "Ga, Ga" and letting chocolate chip ice cream drip down his chin. I no longer cared about his chin, my duty was no longer about ensuring his aesthetically pleasing appearance, it was about eaves dropping on this woman.

She sat just one table away at this place, where all tables are not wiped down, sticky and crammed in closer than a bunch of hippies in a telephone booth (?what?). "My meds are just getting too expensive and he (the doctor) just keeps marking up my dose, that's all they (docs) do, push medicine." Now I am really intrigued, I am about to be privy to knowledge that I could only attain if I were on this woman's HIPAA forms, and I am not. Her friend looks over her shoulder at me as if to see if I am listening, I quickly glance away and start yammering to Nate about the ice cream. At this point I begin to survey their table, double cheese burgers, a mound (seriously, a REAL mound) of fries and each woman has at her disposal, a banana split. Two on one table, my wife and I usually share one. "He says he won't (this is the poor doc again) be able to get it approved, my surgery, because I haven't "tried everything" (she actually made the little finger parenthesis signs) so I'm arguing with my insurance company."

This is not made up, she was talking about diabetes meds and bariatric surgery. Everything was the doctors fault and the insurance company's fault, no one would approve the surgery, everyone keeps shoving pills in my face. But where is the personal responsibility? Oh, yeah, back at the beginning of the blog---"You see, you see! Everyone has issues, everyone, see, I told you everyone is screwed up." No longer is this woman asked to be responsible as she has bought into the notion that we are all screwed up, all taken advantage of and with that knowledge she lives her life demanding to be taken care of despite her actions, because after all we are all screwed up. No one is able to control their diabetes, no one can control their appetite, no one can control their porn addiction, alcohol use etc.

This mentality is what keeps people stuck in their wounds as well. I hear countless times, "well, my life wasn't as bad as the next guys". Well then who is that poor guy at the end of the line whose life was THE WORST life? Seriously? Where is that line drawn where woundedness and "issues" are bad enough to actually do something about them? We are all called to let our stories be true (God is truth, he wants us to live there too). This means that we are not supposed to allow our issues to remain just because other people have them too. Our issues are invitations from God to see Him move in places that feel hopeless and out of control. Everyone does have issues because we live in a fallen world where everyone has been wounded. And, thankfully, everyone has the invite from our Father to allow Him to meet you in those wounded places...He waits in the messy parts of our hearts, go seek Him there. Surgery, alcohol, sex, porn, etc might not be your answer after-all.

Brokenness

Isaiah 6:5 tells of Isaiah's commission as a prophet. "Woe is me for I am undone..." The literal translation? Destroyed unto ceasing. Sit with that one for a minute. The thought behind this statement is "obliterated" or taken "molecule from molecule". Isaiah experiences absolute brokenness BEFORE God calls him to be a prophet. I once heard a comment that "God can't use a man until He has hurt that man deeply." This sounds harsh but some of the most amazing people I know, that live from deep places in their hearts, all experienced trauma. I talked with a counselor once that told me the thing he offers his clients is his story of having a perfect childhood. He said that he had great parents, a wonderful childhood and that he had never experienced loss or pain before in his life.?.?.? Seriously?

What is he offering his clients? I firmly believe that we are not able to take people to places that we haven't been ourselves. Deep calls to deep. If you haven't found those deep places you will find yourself calling others to be comforted, to be "okay", to "not worry" or just to "pray". These things do not help others who are suffering find Him in the midst of suffering. Moses had a tremendous amount of loss and pain in his story. Hosea, called to love a woman who would leave him for others (plural), loss and pain. Job experienced incredible loss and pain. Paul? There are many, many examples, not to mention Jesus' story. Without suffering we will look for many other things to bring our hearts to rest, other than God. Until I was hurt deeply I was incapable of living from the deep. I ran doggedly after the things that gave me temporary relief and allowed me to take a breath, but these things NEVER brought my heart to rest and certainly did not invite others to Life.

Let me quickly explain "Without suffering we will look for many other things to bring our hearts to rest..." Prayer, reading scripture, going to small groups, church, whiskey, sex, TV, "Jesus", family, food...all things that can be used as a "talisman" to produce in us "rest". If you haven't experienced the suffering in your story (and it is in everyone's story) then you probably offer and demand some of the list above to bring your heart or their heart to rest. But this is a fake rest, denial even. Praying more so that I can be at peace while denying the truth of my suffering, I'm not sure God is going to show up there! Does this make sense to you? Ritualistic things that look "Christian" do not help us FIND HIM in the midst of our suffering, only allowing our stories to be true and then grieving that suffering will allow us to find Him in those deeper places. If I find my son dead in his bed, I do hope that the best that is offered to me isn't "I'll pray for you", this doesn't call to deep. If my wife dies in a car accident, I hope what is offered isn't "Well, she's in Heaven now". These things do not speak to those deeply affected places in our hearts!

Without experiencing brokenness I believe that we are not capable of doing work for Him in the deep. So many stories in the bible are about a man/woman or people being taken beyond their ability to survive and deal with things. This is where all is stripped away and the only answer you have left is "He is with me, He is with me." An unexplainable place becomes your mantra and when others present to you with trauma/loss/pain, you begin to naturally lead them there..."He is with you." But this is not coming from a place to take away anything it is a place to speak what is true IN THE MIDST of the suffering, not a magical phrase to take away suffering! In each of our stories is loss. My friend the counselor, who believes his story was perfect, hasn't looked with open eyes. Our stories all have loss, we live in a depraved world with fallen people and we all started out as defenseless little children. Find the suffering in your story, find the deep, find the brokenness...it will always lead to Him and a way to walk with others that calls them to the same freedom you'll find, grace in your brokenness.

Power over Jesus?

John 19:11 Jesus answered (Pilate) "You would have no power over me if it were not given to you from above. Therefore the one who handed me over to you is guilty of a greater sin."

Here is one of those scripture verses that seem to hide from lots of people. When I read it today I stopped and re-read and re-read and re-read. Power over Jesus. In fact, looking at the second sentence is even more difficult to understand. "The one who handed me over" is talking about Caiaphas, who maliciously tried and handed Jesus over to be crucified. Both of these men had power over Jesus. Think about that one for a moment. Jesus chose to come into this world powerless in the form of a baby. He chose to walk among those who hated Him with only love and truth to offer. And at some point chose to give Himself over to those who would have power over Him.

This is one of the most difficult things that we are all invited to live out. Powerlessness in the face of those who would harm us. As we become more like Christ we are invited to experience things in our lives that would allow us to understand Him more. The loneliness of the Garden of Gethsemane, the betrayal of Judas, the angst of His impending crucifixion, the rejection when the crowd chose a murderer, all invitations for us to understand Him more. But powerlessness is something that most of us fight rabidly against, this like almost nothing else, feels like Death when we experience it. But Jesus walked towards this part of His story knowing that these two men (and crowds of others) would call for His blood and did so to bring life to others.

We are so "rights" oriented, so entitled to what we have, who we are and what we think that we recoil at the thought of allowing others to have a say in our lives, especially when it comes from a place of harm. It happens at work, in our homes, at our churches, people who would take from you without regard to how it affects your life. Most of us feel this internal desire to do one of two things. One direction is to get bigger than the other person, yell louder, be more angry, FIGHT! The other direction is to shrink away with no voice with our head in the sand. Jesus chose something altogether different. He spoke what was true and allowed the actions of others to affect Him deeply. It was a precursor to His cross experience. As He walked those last days Jesus must have felt profoundly alone, felt great amounts of loss and pain, and did it all to bring life to the very people who murdered Him.

The very thing that we think makes us look weak or gets us taken advantage of, is the very thing that none of us can do on our own. It is far too difficult. Remember this the next time you feel powerless and feel the urge to cling onto what is "your right" or "your voice". Allowing what others do to you to affect your heart as you speak truth to them won't make you feel vindicated or powerful. It might feel like death. It may look useless. It might also invite others to what is Life, a powerless life through Jesus.

Earning Trust???

Many couples come to my office with one or both spouses demanding that the other earn back lost trust. And on the outside this seems like an okay request. "Trust" was broken, anyone would want to be reassured that "it" will never happen again right? After-all, if we were to "trust" too soon we would look like a fool right? If we were to tell our friends or family that we put our "trust" back into this person who harmed us, we would look stupid, right? And what if we put our "trust" back in our spouse and they looked at pornography again? Called that man again? Bought things we didn't know about again? What if that happened?

Let me just say that I have never met a person, professionally or otherwise, that has earned back lost trust. It is impossible. Which makes one wonder, is trust in another human possible and if it is, can it really ever be earned back? I don't think trust is something that you can earn but rather something that a person gives you, period. Trust isn't a commodity being traded for something in return, trust is something given away freely. Although this is not true if your definition of trust is about self protection and control. You see, most of us have been wounded and I think our version of trust is little more than a self protective mechanism to keep people under our control. When we are asked to "Trust in Him", I dare say the Bible isn't asking for us to control God and have Him earn it. It isn't about safe, God certainly isn't safe by our standards, trust is about......well, its about what Jesus did when He came as a baby into our dangerous world.

Jesus' whole life was lived among people who were ultimately His enemy. Jesus moved among a people who hated Him and found Him dangerous. In fact, Jesus walked intimately with Judas, sharing His meals, His teachings, His love. All of that for the man who would betray Christ with a kiss. The feeling of betrayal is one of the most painful things a human can go through, which is tied directly to a breach of what we call trust. Jesus positioned Himself in the middle of a story where betrayal was guaranteed. Look at the reactions of Jesus and Peter in the garden, Jesus recieves the kiss, Peter starts hacking away. One recieves the betrayal, one fights against it.

Most of us would think Jesus foolish by the way we treat trust. For us it is a guard against pain. Jesus did it differently, He trusted in a God to be there for Him in the end. Notice God didn't show up for Jesus until AFTER the painful loss He experienced on the cross and at the hands of those who would betray Him. Jesus' Love for them did not stop the betrayal, and neither did God.

We do this to our spouses, our friends and anyone else in our community who would cross our trust. "Prove it to me", knowing full well they can never do this. Ours is a strategy to stay away from pain, Jesus' was to surround Himself with the assurance of it. In a fallen world it is inevitable, but Romans 8:28 says that He will work all things for our good. Problem is we have to give up this illusion of control and self-protection under the guise of "trust". We were called to Love others, self-protection is Anti-Love.

Jesus said to Judas, "Go and do what you must do", knowing the betrayal that was likely to kill Him. Approach relationships as Christ did and "trust" will no longer be a part of your vocabulary. We can't ensure that others will not hurt us, but we can trust that pain in the midst of fallen relationships will cause us to understand Christ more (sanctification). The betrayal Christ experienced is much the same as what we experience in relationships. To be like Christ is to understand that we can't control others or protect ourselves, but we can live out our calling to Love others deeply despite all of this. God likely will show but more than likely AFTER the betrayal. . .this is the only way you can become more like Jesus, to understand Him in His betrayal.

Enjoy the Birds

The same God we try to make so predictable is the same God who chose to do very strange things in the OT. If you read the story of Elijah, God chooses to provide food for him through the use of ravens. Ravens. Birds who eat dead things, birds who scavenge for food, you know, the same birds that would have been FORBIDDEN by the law to touch or a Jewish person would become unclean. That bird...a raven. This was God's choice in taking care of His prophet in the wilderness. Can you imagine what Elijah was thinking? A servant doing God's work as a Prophet is coming in contact with an unclean bird, continuously. I'm not sure it was so easy for him to eat the bread that these birds were bringing. It would have only been more strange if the ravens were bringing little bits of pork for him to eat!

What is God thinking? This would have been really disturbing for Elijah in the midst of an already disturbing story line. Being a prophet was a very difficult position, especially when the message was about judgement. Elijah spent an undisclosed amount of time in Kerith Ravine where the Bible says that he was fed bread and meat in the morning and in the evening. BY RAVENS! Days and days or weeks of this happening over and over again. I would think at some point Elijah might have cringed at the sound of flapping wings.

At times our stories are like Elijah's story. Filled with fragments of wounds, loss, pain and confusion, it can be very disturbing the way God might help us through these hard parts of our stories. In fact, it can be disturbing to think that God allows pain into our lives in order to call us to the deeper places He has for us. The problem is, just like Elijah, many of us are called to walk into these places alone. It seems as we move towards the painful parts of our stories we are surrounded by others who seem to not get it. People live the whole lives seemingly undisturbed about their stories and undisturbed by what they are being called to live out. But others have lives who are wrought with painful memories and an invitation from Him to walk into those places.

An example is that many of my clients have lived through trauma. As I walk with these amazing people who have survived trauma, one thing is very clear. To allow their story to be true is hard, to allow someone to walk with them into that story, very hard. But to allow someone to really love them in the midst of their traumatic stories, nearly impossible. Coming out of a traumatic environment many of these courageous people have survived believing that they were deserving of the abuse and unlovable. And this is the very thing that God uses to breath life back into their lives, love. To truly allow someone to love them feels disturbing to their hearts, much like eating unclean meat from an unclean bird must have felt to Elijah. God continually looks to provide for us in ways that cause our hearts to be disturbed. And only through those disturbing ways are we able to only say "this has GOT to be God".

Is God feeding you with ravens? Enjoy the birds my friend, enjoy the birds!

False Destinations

God has called all of us to a story, written out over the years from our birth to our present. He has invited us to allow this story to be true, without edit on our own, without our power of revision, it is simply to be true. Our birth place, parents, friends and influences all play a role in who we become, damage that is done and how well we love others. All of our story is true whether we want it to be or not. It is the process of living and sanctification that we are supposed to be enjoying and satisfied with, not the false destinations that we find ourselves so attracted towards. The end of our lives is the "golden ring", the prize we are all striving towards, but until then, He invited us to experience freedom, joy, grace, love, faith, to be known by others and to be loved and to give love well. That takes time and intention on our parts. To enjoy the story unfolding in your life you must let it be true.

Most of our destinations, these false destinations, revolved around us. Our accomplishments, our jobs, promotions, money, getting a ministry in place, moving to a new city to start a new life, school, whatever we are doing, all false destinations. This is why I say these things: No destination here will ever satisfy us. We were not created to be satisfied in a place that is not home. This world and nothing in it will quiet the place in our hearts that says "I'm not home yet." But we go about our lives accumulating stories that we look back to and somewhat sadly speak to all of these places where something ended, but little of our time is spent telling others about what it was like while we were "in it".

I love road trips. The best "lost" art of American families is the long road trip. Put me in a car for 12 hours traveling to the mountains, give me a bag of twizzlers, a greasy spoon along the way, I'm happy. But it is rarely the conversations that we have on the way that we speak of later. I think we are missing something here. By straining towards these false destinations we are all missing out on the process. In what God calls life are moments along the way to pause and remember. And this is not necessarily the ending place. Many people who go through stressful events often talk about the ending, where God came through, but what about the middle where He sat with us when no one else would? What about the middle where He showed us our hearts and transformed us? What about these "unfinished" places?

I invite you to take a look at your life, where have you been? What did you miss along the way by straining towards the destination? A few years ago my wife and I were so busy moving towards school in Seattle that we missed months of time to catch up with friends in Dallas. We didn't realize it until they all showed for the "farewell" party. I would like to think that woke me up, but I think it is still far easier to get caught up in stretching for home rather than sitting in the middle. The middle is that place where loss and pain often live. We are so good at editing out pain from our stories that our lives rarely look like anything that needed redemption. But isn't that the point, that we did? Destination focused lives take away the need to show why we find ourselves where we do, story doesn't matter, only the end. Stephen King never starts a book with an ending in mind, he allows the story to take him there, and so should we.

Spinning Wildly

In the Old Testament book of Zephaniah our Father is painted in a very strange brush stroke. In Chapter 3 verse 17 God is said to be “rejoicing over you with singing.” If you look at the Hebrew word Giyl our translation has left much to be desired. The literal translation of Giyl is “to spin around violently with emotion (usually joy)” Our view of God is always justified when thinking of him in Majesty, in Awe and Holiness. We see Him as Rock, Fortress, Father, Redeemer and many other things. But Spinning Wildly? The picture I get in my head is that of a little kid spinning in a field looking up at the sky. Dizziness, giddiness, child-likeness? These are not things associated with God in my mind. Frankly it is hard to get to this place in my mind much less my heart. I just don’t get it. Most of us find it hard to truly take a compliment. “Good job” often is met with a look towards the ground more than met with gaze. “Wow that is a really beautiful painting” is just as likely to be replied to with “well, it’s just...” Most of us, if pushed, would admit that we feel awkward being the center of attention at our own birthday party. So how are we to feel comfortable with a Holy God who would be so excited about our existence in this world?

This view of our Holy God really causes me to wrestle with the pain, loss and brokenness that accompanies most of our stories. It is simply confusing. This particular scripture is speaking to Israel coming out of a period of trial, not a period of blessing and growth. And He is spinning wildly? Excited beyond just mere words? Giddy about the terrible trial that they just came through? So admittedly it takes a rabbit trail for one to make sense out of all of this. We were created to become more and more like Christ and I believe for this to happen we must endure things that bring glory to our Father. Our stories are often as tumultuous as that of Israel and I don’t think this is an accident. Our lives, our stories, our hearts were designed to call others to find Rest in the One who would love us the most. The problem with this is that we tend to edit out pain, loss and suffering from our stories. Our stories become mundane narratives that are in no need of a God who rescues or redeems much less of a God who would spin wildly over our coming through trials transformed.

This blog series will continue over several months as I explore this idea of our God who is violently spinning with joy OVER YOU. I hope that as you read the upcoming blogs that you will feel invited to wrestle with a God who not only allows suffering in our stories, but rejoices over our coming through those dark places.

To Invite Others to Life We Must. . .

In 1st Peter 3:18-20 I stumbled upon something that struck me as odd. One reason is that I do not recall ever reading this particular story about Jesus dying and preaching to imprisoned spirits. The second is that as I walk through the life that the Father has given me, I know that I am called to become more and more like Christ, which makes me wonder how this fits in to that process. In this text we see Jesus dying on the cross and preaching to spirits in prison. Now this passage has been thought of as one of the most difficult passages to understand in the Bible so I will try to tread lightly here. The purpose of this entry is only to say that it appears that as Christ moved towards death he invited others to life. The reason I believe that his sermon was one of life is that He came and died to do the same for all of us, to give us life, I am assuming that He was doing the same here.

So how does that apply to us? First you must understand what moving towards death means. I’m not speaking of a literal death but a figurative one. A quick example is an angry man needs to feel powerful because to feel small and powerless is too painful or disturbing. To move towards being powerless would be to move towards that which feels like death. We all have our own personal death which we avoid at all costs, however, when we do this we ALWAYS miss the opportunity to invite others to life. A meek wife who will not confront her husband about his pornography addiction is avoiding this because to do so would feel like death to her. Her fear is that he would be angry, reject her or not care enough to stop. So, she never invites him to life.

What is true is that she would find that having a voice to say something would actually become life after she entered into that scary place. Christ would be there for her. And her husband’s heart would be stirred, would become intrigued as she fought for him. Whether or not he stopped isn’t the issue, the wife moved towards death and found life, and she would be inviting her husband (to stop his addiction) to do the same, move towards death and find life.

Christ, Shame and the Woman at the Well

Many clients who find there way to a Biblical or Christian counseling center come carrying the terrible wounds of sexual based trauma. Statistics say that 1 in every 4 females has likely been or are currently being sexual abused. It is an evil that turns a little child’s heart into a chaotic mess of pain, ambivalence and shame, all of which keeps most of them silent. In their little hearts these children internalize things that happen as if they wished it or wanted it to happen. If you think of any normal three year old and how they think, you can begin to see how abuse damages a child beyond the physical. A three year old wants a certain toy for a birthday or Christmas, and viola, it shows up on their birthday, they make a choice at McDonald’s and bang, there is a cheeseburger waiting for them. And when an adult takes advantage of the innocence of a child, the child believes that they wanted it to happen. What they don’t understand is that they are incapable of choosing to get the oil changed in a car, repairing a transmission, taking care of a checkbook, nor capable of making sexual choices. The message that becomes their heart image is likely something like the Samaritan woman at the well, I’m dirty.

I eventually assign the story of the woman at the well to all of my trauma clients. The Samaritan woman who came to the well, did so in the early afternoon so as not to be seen by the other women of the area (probably because of her sexual identity as an adulterous). When Jesus asked this woman for a drink she responded, “You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan, how can you ask me for a drink?” What she was actually saying is “You are a Jew and I’m unclean, if you drink from my jar you will become dirty.” As you follow the story, each time she responds it is somewhat combative giving Christ the invitation to back off. Jesus however continues to move towards her heart to invite her closer, this dirty woman, invited closer.

Each exchange she dismisses Him, but Jesus allows her to see He does know her and also invites her to know Him. This dirty woman, dirty on ceremonial levels and in her heart, has her heart pursued by the purist man who walked the earth. So interested in allowing her to know HIm, He allowed her to be a part of the only occasion before His trial where He stated clearly that He was the Messiah (I, who speak to you, am He.) He wanted her to know Him, which must have radically disturbed this woman’s heart. A sinner with five husbands and a lover, invited to personally know Him, no strings attached.

It’s interesting to me that this woman, who had probably lived a lifetime trying to quench her physical body in many ways, arrived in secret to do so again. And after meeting a Christ who would see her with Grace left the well more thirsty than ever before, causing her to run back to her town and bring others to see this Jesus. She was no longer in hiding and oddly, aware of a thirst in her that would never be quenched here on Earth. And she was excited about it. One truth filled encounter with someone who would want to know her, lover her, to invite her to greater things, took away the power of shame in her heart. To be a counselor who can do these very things is the most important thing I have to offer my clients because it points them to the One who would love them the most.

Slave of Another Profession

In the counseling world there is pressure to “get ‘em in and get ‘em out” from the clients, insurance companies and even many state licensing boards. The idea that counselors should use a method called “cognitive behavioral therapy” is preached by many in the profession. CBT boiled down is finding your faulty thinking and changing it to right thinking. However this never deals with the underlying heart issues present in all of us. The mind is wholly separate from the created heart inside of each of us. We can’t simply think differently and have that lead to heart transformation. I was told by a counselor once that when I felt my anger rising up I should leave the room, go to the kitchen, grab a container of ice, go to the shower, pull the curtain and throw ice cubes at the wall until I didn’t feel angry any more. Just writing that sentence took effort much less actually doing this while angry. What in this set of instructions was going to transform my heart?

In counseling there is a pull in the therapist to give an answer, to make something okay or to give tools to help ease the suffering of others. But tools are nothing more than giving a slave another profession. In the OT, the Jewish workers of Pharaoh would normally have one job to complete all day. Picking up straw to make bricks, creating bricks, moving bricks, stacking bricks, distributing water, food, organizing tools, everyone had a particular job, much like at a modern construction site. Giving someone a tool to control their anger, or a filter to stop pornography use, or accountability so that they never drink again is okay temporarily, but long term this is trading in a wheat sickle for a brick makers form. This is only a slave of one trade being told to be a slave of another. This might be more functional, it might alleviate acute issues or pain, but internally this person will always be angry, struggle with porn, or with addiction.

Christ did not call us to be slaves but to be free. I believe the only way to be free is to allow pain to be true in our lives, because there is a purpose for it. Pain is not there so we can manage it but so He can use it to transform us to free people, free from our woundedness. I can’t imagine Jesus stating to the Pharisees, quit being so strict with your rules and become like the Sadducees. It would be a change in thinking for the Pharisee, to become liberal like the Sadducees, but were the Sadducees free? No. They were just slaves of another profession. Jesus called each person to deeper places, to hard truths that were given from Love, where shame had no place but Hope did. When Christ interacted with others there was always a movement towards brokenness. Look at Peter after he denied Christ three times...that was a truly broken man, transformed from the angry man he was.

He Waits On The Trash Heap

“When Jesus found me on the trash heap, I quickly cleaned myself up and left Him waiting for me to come back and let Him do it.” - - - Elder Son

“When Jesus found me on the trash heap, I told Him, get your grimy paws off of me, I will sit here and you can figure out how to accept me dirty, or not at all” - - - - Prodigal Son

We are inundated today with so many different looks to our churches that it is sometimes dizzying to figure out who believes what and why. But often when we go to a church we are confused, or at least I am confused, did we just see Jesus or not? In the pews of churches across America are people who are supposed to be Image Bearers of the Christ they serve, but often we look like someone wholly different than Him. We are either dressed in a tuxedo with not a hair out of place or we are in our PJ’s scratching our butts during the service! Either way, there is a message that is sent loud and clear. Be a Pharisee or be a Sadducee.

Today’s churches are really in a challenging place as the options for finding a church continue to explode in America. The offerings range from fundamentalist to extremely liberal and everything in between. The problem for today’s church is to be somewhere in the middle. It seems to escape most of us that Jesus held to dogmatic knowledge of the law in a grace-filled and loving way. He offered both. Truth with a capital T, he wasn’t a post-modernist...he also loved people most of us wouldn’t associate with. There are many churches in America today that seem to be on one pole or the other, but wasn’t the church supposed to be an offering of the absent Christ?

It seems we are usually telling half the story....

The Reality of Marriage

“Our marriages are supposed to draw us into depths that far exceed our ability to love, so that He can teach us how.”

Part of what I do in marital or even premarital counseling is ask the simple question “Why did you or are you getting married?” I get out my trusty white board with my red (much more dramatic than the lime green or the festive blue) marker and begin to copy down their answers. It is sad but I think I could just leave the answers up on the board for the next couple I do this exercise with, it is always the same. The couple usually smiles, looks at each other and begins to confidently yet at the same time nervously spew their answers. I guess most people who are sitting in a counselor’s office are somewhat reluctant to believe when a question is asked that their answer is ever going to suffice...but I digress. “Love, Kids, we enjoy each other, we are compatible, we pray together, we are close, we want to be married, we love to travel, we want a house, financial, God TOLD us (hard to argue with that), not to be alone, things in common, sex etc.”

The problem with all of these listed, not one of them has anything to do with the deeper reality of marriage. The union between a man and a woman really is supposed to push our limits of self, our ability to love and certainly shows our sinful old nature is still in charge. It shows our woundedness and our greediness to get what we never “got” (purposed bad grammar is okay right?). It is intended to be a picture of Christ and the church, or rather a picture of what Christ did on the cross for us....He died, alone, in front of others who weren’t dying. To have a great marriage you need a heart the size of a cantaloupe, but we were only given a heart the size of a plum. To do marriage well, He must make up the difference. This difference is and always will be beyond our depth to love, forgive or care for another. Without Him, we fall short.

In 1 John 4:19 the Bible states that “We love because He first loved us”. We are being taught continually how to love by the Father. Much of what Jesus taught the apostles in Mark chapters 6 through 9 can be considered pointing them to their hearts, or how to love others, and this was early on in their time together. The problem with how most people approach marriage is that they think they love well already, or that their love IS ENOUGH to keep the marriage together. This will never be, marriage was God’s institution to point us all back towards our need for Him and our need for Him to guide us to give grace, to invite our spouse to Truth, and to, in the end, Love.

Pornography-the most common drug known to man

I was at a friend’s house today and was typing in “twitter”, soon I found things pulling up in the search bar that I can’t put here. There is item after item in his history that point to one thing, pornography. Statistically there is a large percentage of woman (28%, 2003 stat) are using pornography and 70% of all men polled admitted to pornography use at least occasionally. The average age of internet exposure to pornography was 11. Why is this so rampant? I believe like no other time in history there is an underlying invitation to destroy and have contempt (hate) for God’s images. We are all image bearers of Christ whether we are saved or not. We are all ambassadors to the King, we are His pinnacle creation, we are His face.

Pornography is an assault on His creation, a using of His most prized possession for the most basic self gratification. Intimacy out the window, mutual pleasure out the window, anything we were designed to do---out the window. Not only do we not want to be known by the person in the picture, but we certainly do not want to know the person either. We don’t want to know their stories, it might be too painful, was there sexual abuse? Rape? Are they homeless or kidnapped? These stories are more true of pornography workers than you would like think. We were designed to be known and want to deeply know others, as well as God. Pornography is an extreme twisting of this design. Our bodies, other people’s bodies were designed to be valued, are worthy, were intended for intimacy and care, not lusting over and masturbation. Just because we see another person’s naked body during an act doesn’t mean we know them, it merely means that we are using them.

Sit with an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse and ask them their story, it will take some of the allure out of pornography. The stories (which I will not go into here) contain things most don’t want to believe happens, much less with regularity. The punishment of the human body through sex, whether it is through taking pictures, videos or brutal means, IS NOT OKAY! There is one Truth here, there is no room for a post-modern view...pornography is damaging to everyone involved, whether they chose to be or were exposed accidentally as an 11 year old boy or a 5 year old girl. China’s powdered milk contamination harmed everyone involved, the manufacturers, the families, the children....HIV harms everyone involved, the patient, the healthcare system, the families...everyone. Pornography is just like any tragedy on a large scale, harm isn’t isolated to the addicted or reluctant user, it is everyone involved.

I hope that this Truth disturbs your heart, makes you wrestle with Him and even makes you angry...for the benign reaction and mundane way we talk and approach this subject is a tragedy for all involved.

Running From Our Stories

In Matthew 26 Peter follows Jesus after His arrest in true Peter fashion, right into the courtyard of the High Priest, where the trial of Jesus would take place. It is not until Jesus begins to live out his most painful story that we see Peter begin to question his own ability and desire to be a part of it. In fact, what we see is that Peter begins to leave after he is accused of being a disciple.

He first moves from the courtyard, into a gateway, where he is torn between leaving the story unfolding before him and staying with Jesus. It is at this place that we all find ourselves today, outside the gateway, looking in. In us, much like in Peter, is a heart that is pulled in two directions at the same time. “I do not want a story where pain and suffering is a part, but at the same time, I am drawn into this very place because deeply I know it is a place of freedom, healing and life.”

For most of us, the pain of loss and broken relationships is far too much to endure on our own. So we choose to stand outside of the gateway, denying our real story just as Peter did here. For those of you who feel led by Christ to come back inside the gate, I would love to walk with you as you learn how to find freedom from the shame and fear that accompany many of our stories. The goal is that you could learn (as Henri Nouwen says) to receive love and then to give love. This is a process that can not happen as long as shame is ruling your heart.

At times it is necessary for us to sit with another and allow them to lead us to these wounded places. This is so that person can experience someone caring for them as they allow their real story to become true. The fear and shame that Peter felt after denying Christ was soon dealt with by Jesus, “Peter, do you love me, do you love me, do you love me.” Implying, I love you, take care of those I have loved here, I love you, feed those I was entrusted with, I love you, take care of my flock. . .or rather, give them the love you are receiving from me. To give Love, we must first receive Love. This should be our nature, to sit with people who desire to walk into their stories and care for and love them well.

There is Always an Invitation

There is almost always an invitation in what we are doing, to death or to life. It is woven into the story of life playing out around us. Think of it as if we are on a steadily moving river, we are constantly moving in one direction or the other, towards God or away, towards life or away. In Mark Chapter 8 we see Jesus teaching His disciples that He is going to die on the cross, something that does not sit well with Peter. The famous New Testament story (Peter’s rebuke) highlights that we are either inviting others to life, as Jesus was, or that we are inviting others to death, as Peter was. If Peter had gotten his way we would all be without a savior, something that was lost on Peter who was more concerned about his own agenda than the salvation of others.

I think we invite others to death when we are concerned about living out our own agenda. This goes for marriage, community, family, friendships or our relationship with God. We can’t love others well if our motivation is self serving. Jesus showed us that Love is never something we invest in order to get a return which is what Peter was thinking. But to give Peter some slack, our view of what is life or death is upside down, twisted from depravity.

I am friends with a man whose dad made his family watch pornography with him on a weekly basis, it started when my friend was 6. The whole point? The dad had an enormous need inside of him for others to be at his side, that everyone’s world must revolve around him or he didn’t feel loved or connected. Eventually his children began to become independent children, playing on their own, discovering friendships and other things that naturally lead them away from an attachment to their parents. This didn’t sit well with the dad, much like Jesus’ announcement of his impending death on the cross didn’t sit well with Peter. The dad found something that all of the children would be mesmerized by each and every night, pornography. But what this lead to was decades of destruction in my friends life...or death.

I can tell you for a fact if we are only looking for our gain, we will invite others to give themselves for us. This was never intended. As you look to live from deeper places inside of your heart you will need to be aware of the places you are inviting others to be. Is it for your gain? Is it for His gain? Peter would have made a pretty good argument as to why he believed Jesus shouldn’t die on the cross, but he was colossally wrong. Understand that Peter’s view was upside down, for Jesus to “live” was actually death for centuries to come. Jesus knew that true life was to die on the cross for others.

To end, I hope that you see that we are always asked to be more like Christ and that includes dying for others (figuratively or literally), but this is where you will find Him (life). I say this to clients all the time, move towards what feels like death and you will find life...